7 simple things to remember for a great first date

First dates can feel exciting and daunting at the same time. The key is to find a way to keep your nerves at bay, to show up authentically and to be open, whilst practising healthy boundaries and being aware of the potential pitfalls. Having enjoyable and fruitful first encounters is achievable. Here are some simple things to remember before your next one.

Keep the date in perspective

The purpose of a first date is to find out if you’d like a second date so try to keep your feet firmly planted on the ground and avoid fantasising about the future. Stay as present as possible and whenever you notice your imagination running wild – skipping off to the altar, for example – bring yourself back to the here and now. Mindfulness can help with this. Notice the glass in front of you, tune into the sounds around you, connect to your breath or say a silent prayer and ask God to help you to stay present.

Remember, you’re not trying to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with your date. You’re simply gathering the information you need so that you can decide if you want to see them for a second time.

Manage your anxiety

If you struggle with first date nerves, ask yourself if you’re fully on board with Point 1 above. Are you seeing the date as an opportunity to meet someone new and explore compatibility, or are you fixated on a certain outcome? Tune into your truth and if you discover that you have too much riding on this first meeting, take a deep breath and try to let go of any expectations.

You can make a commitment to hold the date lightly by holding out your hands in front of you, palms open. This is the opposite of gripping tightly and this physical gesture can symbolise that you are giving the outcome to God.

Another reason you might be feeling anxious is because you’re scared that you’re not good enough. Maybe you are overly focused on your appearance, stressing about how you look. If this is the case, whisper some reassuring words to yourself before you arrive. You are enough.

Stay curious and seek connection

When you’re on the date, prioritise curiosity and connection. First dates are wonderful opportunities to find out about another human being – their likes, dislikes, hopes and dreams. You may or may not be a good match, but an attitude of curiosity, an open mind and an open heart will build connection, meaning at the very least, you’ll have an enjoyable encounter.

Avoid over-sharing

Ask questions of your date and practise appropriate vulnerability but be mindful of over-sharing. When we disclose our deepest hurts or past traumas with someone we’ve just met, this can create a deep bond – call it a trauma bond – and this bond can lead us to overlook red flags. Try to keep the conversation light on the first encounter, which brings me to my next point.

Maintain your boundaries

Shorter dates or walking dates can help us to avoid the over-sharing that might happen on longer dates or dinner dates, so before you meet, think about your boundaries. How long would you like to stay? How will you get home? Will you drink alcohol and if so, how much?

If you are prone to staying too long on dates, drinking too much or over-sharing, it’s a good idea to enlist a friend to check in with after the date, or even during it (a quick comfort break provides an opportunity to message a friend and affirm your boundaries).

Leave your critic at home

When we show up to a first date, we might spot something about the person we don’t like – their looks or their clothing, for example – but when we judge someone based on superficial details, we push them away and we sabotage any chance of true connection.

Many of us criticise a romantic partner because, deep down, we’re scared of true emotional intimacy, perhaps because our early life relationships caused us hurt. We’re afraid of rejection or abandonment, for example.

If you notice yourself being overly critical of your date, in your head or out loud, ask yourself if you’re afraid of commitment and try to reserve judgement to allow space for connection.

Accept the outcome

Whatever the outcome, embrace the date as a valuable learning experience and take note of anything you would do differently next time.

If you don’t want to see your date again, ask yourself on what grounds. Are you jumping to conclusions? Are you holding out for the perfect match? Remember, perfection doesn’t exist. Is your decision fear-based or faith-based? Did you spot red flags? Was there an absence of genuine connection?

If your date says they don’t want to see you again and you feel disappointed, remind yourself that you are enough and that rejection is God’s protection.

Of course, if both parties opt for a second date, that’s wonderful and it’s also another great opportunity to practise staying as grounded as possible, until you meet again.

What do you try to do to ensure a great first date?

If you enjoyed ‘7 simple things to remember for a great first date, you might also like ‘How to have a great first date‘ and ‘First date red flags: 4 signs to watch out for‘ by the same author