6 things to remember for a great second date

First dates are about first impressions and it’s normal to feel nervous when meeting someone for the first time. We might feel that we have to perform or sell ourselves in some way. But once we’re over this initial hurdle and have agreed to meet again, how do we have a great second date? Here are six tips to set you up for a fruitful second encounter, starting with that crucial period in between dates.

Stay in reality

If a first date was successful, it’s only natural to feel excited, especially if we’ve been waiting a long time to find our person. But in between dates, it’s important to strike that tricky balance between feeling excited and staying grounded.

We don’t want to dampen our enthusiasm but we do want to stay rooted in reality.

With that in mind, try to rein in your imagination if it starts to skip off into the future, and rein in your messaging too. Frequent messaging can feed our fantasy thinking and take us away from real life.

We are still in the ‘gathering information’ phase and this is best done face-to-face.

Also, notice if you’ve become attached to a certain outcome or are spending too much time thinking about the person and ask God for help to relax in between dates.

Plan your date wisely

What you choose to do on a second date will likely hinge on what you did on your first date, but a good rule of thumb is to find an interactive activity that will help you to get to know each other on a deeper level while keeping the atmosphere light and fun, rather than pressured and intense.

How about crazy golf followed by coffee? Or a walk along a riverbank followed by cake? Or a visit to a gallery? Activities such as these provide topics of conversation beyond the usual dating questions.

More feeling, less thinking

On first dates, we can be wary of being judged or rejected. Maybe we obsess about how we look. Perhaps we’re more reserved than usual. Or maybe we talk a lot because of our nerves. Second dates have the potential to be more relaxed so see your second encounter as an opportunity to show more of your true self.

On first dates, we can also spend a lot of time in our heads, thinking about the other person and assessing our compatibility. Are we a good match on paper? Would they get on with our friends?

On a second date, try to do less thinking and more feeling. Do I feel comfortable in this person’s presence? Do I feel at ease? Do I feel free to show up authentically? Would I like to spend more time with this person?

If the answer is ‘Yes’, a third date is on the cards, but if you notice you feel on edge, uneasy or uncomfortable, it’s important to take notice of this.

Deepen the connection

Second dates are an opportunity to deepen the connection by exploring each other’s hobbies, values, hopes and dreams. However, steer away from any scripts and allow the conversation to meander and flow.

Also, notice if you feel the need to fill gaps in the conversation or to keep asking questions and step back from this. Try to become comfortable with moments of silence and notice if the other person is too.

Choose curiosity over criticism

Dating can be especially difficult for those of us who carry a fear of commitment, rejection or abandonment. We might react strongly to a certain comment or rule someone out based on something they say or do.

If your date says or does something that irks or triggers you, choose to be curious about your reaction and the other person’s motivation rather than rejecting the person outright, without further inquiry.

For example, before you pass judgement, you could ask, “Can you clarify what you meant by that?” or, “I’m not sure I agree. Can we explore this further?” It takes courage to stay and delve deeper rather than walk away at the first sign of disagreement.

At the same time, always pay attention to your intuition. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

You’ll find lots of useful tips in previous blogs on how to discern between green flags and red ones so look at those too.

Explore next steps

Provided there are no major red flags, a third date is a great idea, even if sparks aren’t flying. We’ve all heard stories of people who’ve felt unsure about their dates until the fifth or sixth meeting and then something has clicked. In fact, I rejected my now husband several times before deciding to commit to him.

All you need is a sense of curiosity and the willingness to continue to gather information until you have everything you need to decide whether to move forwards or call it a day.

Try these six suggestions and approach your second encounter, and your third, with an open mind and heart.