How Do I Date While I’m Still Married?

Estimated reading time: 13 minutes

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I (45+ female) guess I am writing this letter from a place of loneliness. Maybe not so much in a romantic sense, but in the sense of just not knowing what to do. It might be that I haven’t had parents that I could trust to ever fall back on, I feel like I’m perpetually falling through space, no solid ground anywhere.

Leaving this melodramatic start for what it is, let me get down to my actual situation. I’ve been together with my husband for almost 25 years, we have two children who are (almost) grown-up. They are still living with us and also still need quite a bit of coaching and care. Recently, I have realised that my romantic relationship with my husband is over, from my side. Our sexual relationship has been over for more than twelve years, though for a long time we both held out hope that we would be able to fix things. We went to sex therapy twice.

I came into this relationship with a history of child abuse (mostly emotional + abandonment + neglect) and sexual abuse. The times I did have sex that I consented to, I almost never liked it and would have preferred to not have it. My husband and I fell in love quickly, though I must confess that there was a rational consideration on my side. Getting to know him I realised that he was someone I would be able to have a (life)long stable relationship with. That seemed worthwhile.

My husband loved sex. He was the type that wanted it always. I told him from the beginning about my abusive past, but both him and me didn’t realise what was needed to deal with it. We thought that I could be ‘fixed’ by simply becoming like him: enthusiastic and happy. We had no clue about the feelings of trust and safety that we should try to build first. I just tried to be as uncomplicated as possible. This was futile. From the beginning having sex was something I needed to trick myself into having. I went to great lengths to try to be as relaxed as possible to make sure that I would be up to it. Still, even if we had sex, it wasn’t something I would want to repeat. Just something I knew had to happen and I kept hoping that repetition would somehow make it into something I actually wanted.

My husband, on his side, tried to take me along in his enthusiasm, which came across as an enormous amount of pressure. It didn’t help that he would repeat sexual touches and acts after I had explicitly told him I didn’t like them. He was oblivious to feedback, both in terms of what was pleasurable for me as in terms of boundaries. If we agreed on him not doing certain things anymore or asking for consent before he did them, he would forget. Even after it became clear that the way we were handling sex wasn’t working for me, he kept this behavior up. It has left me feeling like there was sexual abuse within my marriage.

About a year ago I got to the point where I just felt rage all day every day. For being stuck in this marriage (even though I still see my husband’s worth as a person and we have mostly good and harmonious days together). I was angry for never in my life being able to experience what it would be like to have sex in a good way and being sentenced to having it either with my husband or with nobody at all. This eventually escalated into me forcing the relationship open. I knew already that there would probably be consent for that, but I didn’t actually give my husband a chance to say something about it. I just told him I was going to have sex with others, there would be no rules, nothing. It was just me for once and finally being in charge.

This all led to me being intimate with a good friend of mine, which was awesome. He and I took things slow. At first, we had regular check-ins during kissing, and later, sex. He made me notice my own feelings and talk about them. After a few weeks of that, this was no longer necessary. Whenever I kissed him or had sex with him it left me wanting more, a completely new feeling. He and I are still good friends, but I don’t think there’s much of a future between us. We want different things.

So, here I am. In an open marriage, even though I do not actually think I want to be polyamorous with the new people I would date, and also in a hurry. I feel like so much of my life has passed me by without me having agency about my sexuality and sex life. I’m ashamed to say that I am focused on romantic and sexual exploration to the extent that I feel like a teenager. My thoughts and worries center around it being too late for me and around never finding someone. Even though I do not want to get divorced (mostly because of the children), I feel resentful for my marriage status messing with my chances. Who would be interested in dating someone who is still married (even if the marriage is over in romantic and sexual terms)?

I have so many wants and wishes and so little idea of what to do. Should I get on dating apps? I am afraid that I would only attract people that would think I am ‘easy’ because I am in an open relationship, whereas I would probably have to take things slow again to make things work. I am also afraid that only people that are polyamourous will want to be with me (if at all), while I don’t actually think I want that. I would be interested in exploring what it would be like to date women, but I do not know if I would actually want to follow through with that, if it got that far. And then there is risk: I do not want nor need any more bad sexual experiences. How will I make sure it doesn’t happen again, apart from just not dating at all?

The other option is of course to just wait and see who I come across. I live an active life in which I meet lots of people. So far, I have told almost nobody that my marriage is open. I guess starting to tell people would be a good start into letting them know I might be interested and available. Would that be the better option, compared to dating apps? My fear is that I won’t meet anyone that way. Most people I know are in relationships already. That, or I am not interested in them.

Maybe the answer is that I should just have some patience and just explore and see what happens. I guess the same thing I say to my children when they complain about their wants and wishes not being met. I would love to hear your input though!

Open For Business?

Hoo boy. I’m honestly torn with your question, OFB, because I think that what you’re asking for isn’t really what you need or would serve you best.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so sorry for the misery you’ve endured and I’m very glad you’ve found a way to actually explore your sexuality in a way that makes you feel safe, empowered and happy. It’s just that, while I think ethical non-monogamy is a great and valid choice for many people, I’m not sure that it’s the right choice for you under the circumstances. I understand that you don’t want to divorce because of your children, but honestly, I think all that you’ve done is kicked the can down the road and upped the odds that it’ll be a more contentious and unhappy outcome than it would be if you pulled that particular trigger now. I absolutely understand your reasoning, but this really is a time when a clean break would be best for everyone – you, your husband and your children.

There’s a lot of history there and a lot of understandably strong feelings about how this relationship failed you and how your husband’s behavior hurt you. Staying married for the sake of the children is a noble idea, but in practice, it doesn’t really work. Your kids aren’t blind or stupid; they’re going to pick up on just how tense and unhappy things are between you and your husband. That’s going to affect them too; even when they’re nearly grown adults, it’s incredibly stressful living in a household where mom and dad are at odds and clearly don’t want to be together any more. And frankly, I’m worried that continuing to live with the man who you clearly resent is going to do more harm than good and risks undoing some of the progress you’ve made.

To be perfectly honest, I think your best move would be to go to a marriage counselor with the specific aim of winding down this marriage, so that your divorce can be as smooth and amicable as possible. This will leave you free to pursue the relationships you want without feeling like you’re being held back by one that isn’t meeting your needs and has only made other things worse. 

But that’s not what you asked about, so let’s address your actual questions. Your being married isn’t as big of a handicap to your dating life as you might think. One of the hoariest cliches about opening up a hetero relationship is that the female partner almost always has a much easier time than the male partner does. It’s much, much easier to find men who are ok with sleeping with a married or partnered woman than it is to find a woman who’s willing to sleep with a married man – ethically non-monogamous or not. Women are frequently a lot more cautious or averse to dating a married man, simply because of how many men have lied about being open or having an arrangement. A lot of men, on the other hand, tend to not care as long as they’re getting what they want.

You also aren’t under any obligation to do more than date anyone casually. While you may well meet people who want a more serious or committed relationship than you’re offering, if you date other open or non-monogamous people, you’re as likely to find people who aren’t looking for anything more serious than fun, dates and sex.

(That being said, I think the kind of sex you want to have is going to be more easily found in someone who’s at least interested in a short-term relationship, if not a long-term, committed one. A lot of men who want a no-strings hook-up tend to not bring their A-game to the bedroom with them.)

While the terms often get used interchangeably, being open or ethically non-monogamous isn’t synonymous with polyamory. It’s a little like how squares and rectangles are both quadrilaterals, but a square is still different from a rectangle. Polyamory is a form of non-monogamy, but not all forms of non-monogamy involve polyamory.

An open relationship simply means that you’re allowed to have sexual contact with someone outside your relationship. That’s all. Polyamory, on the other hand, means having multiple, concurrent romantic relationships. Non-monogamy takes many different forms and relationship models. People can be fully open, monogamish (which is to say, occasional outside partners or special guest stars), swingers (they have sex with other couples), open with limitations (no penetration, not in your home city, etc.) or almost any other combination you could imagine.

So if you’re going to put yourself out there while still married, I would recommend saying that you’re open, not poly, and to make it clear what you are and aren’t looking for, and what kind of relationship you aren’t interested in.

I would also recommend that you do some research before you start putting yourself out there. Non-monogamy takes the complications of a monogamous relationship and multiplies them, so knowing how to navigate even a casual connection is important. I highly recommend checking out Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up, The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy and Building Open Relationships By Dr. Liz Powell. Reading these can help guide you through some of the tricky considerations and conversations that make open and non-monogamous relationships work.

(Full disclosure: Dr. Powell is a friend of mine and has guest-written for the column before.)

Now, for finding people to date or explore your newfound sexuality with… well, this is when the apps are your best and most convenient option. If you want to make sure that you’re dating people who are ok with dating a married woman – however tenuous that marriage may be – the dating apps make it easier for those people to find you. Most of the major dating apps have options for labeling yourself as being open or non-monogamous; this lets people who aren’t interested in dating someone with a partner filter you out of their search results. This doesn’t mean that there won’t be people who slip through by mistake – God knows that “didn’t read your profile” is one of the most common complaints on the apps – but it will definitely weed out the most obvious of poor fits.

However, you might want to focus on apps that are specifically oriented towards non-traditional relationship models, like Feeld. Feeld caters towards the happy perverts crowd – fetishists, kinksters, swingers, hotwives, cuckolds and plain ol’ non-monogamous folks of all stripes. While, again, there’s no way to ensure that everyone you match with is going to be ok with dating someone who’s partnered, if they’re on an app like Feeld, they’re far more likely to have opted-in already.

I would also recommend that you meet folks in person as well. The odds are good that there’s an ENM community (or two, or three, or five) in your city already. Many of these groups have regular meet-ups and hang-outs, and it would be a great opportunity for you to meet and connect with other people who, like you, have decided that traditional monogamy isn’t for them. Search Facebook groups for your city and you’ll likely find a few. Reddit can be useful resource for you here as well – you can inquire in your hometown’s subreddit or some of the poly and ENM subreddits.

As far as making sure that you don’t have bad experiences, the answer is for you to take things at a pace you feel comfortable with, and to maintain strong boundaries. Part of what made things work with your friend was that you and he moved at a measured pace, taking your time, checking in and generally ensuring that everyone was cool and onboard with everything. You absolutely should maintain that practice with your future partners, whether you’re dating men or choosing to experiment with dating women. Taking it at your speed will give you not only a chance to ensure that you feel comfortable, but to learn more about the people you’re dating. How someone responds to “I want to take things slow and build trust and comfort” will tell you a lot about them.

Now that doesn’t mean that someone who prefers to move faster is a bad person. Everyone’s got the right to their preferred speed or priorities in a relationship. If someone wants to move faster than you or prefer not to wait as long as you do and is respectful about it, has simply indicated that they’re not a good match for you. It’s better to find that out early on, so neither of you wastes the other’s time and you can both move on to find someone who is a good match. Someone who is pushy, makes joking-but-not-really snide comments about it or otherwise isn’t cool with your need for trust and comfort, on the other hand, is someone you should kick to the curb with the swiftness.

Don’t forget: you don’t need to justify why you want to take things slowly, nor do you need to explain any refusal. “No” is a complete sentence, and “Because I prefer it this way” is all they need to know. People who you would want to avoid are far more likely to push against your boundaries and demand reasons; it’s a way of pressuring you to give in. If they get you justifying your reasons, then it’s no longer a boundary, it’s the opening salvo in a negotiation. A flat and blunt “no” is the only justification you need.

But as I said: while I understand why you’ve chosen to stay married, I still think that your best option is still to officially end the marriage. It’s not an easy process, but I think it would be better for everyone involved. You won’t feel shackled to someone you (very understandably!) resent and your children won’t feel like they’re caught in the middle of a conflict they don’t understand.  

Good luck.