Do I Need To Learn How To Flirt, Or Does It Happen Naturally?

Estimated reading time: 11 minutes

Hello Doctor NerdLove

Allow me to start with the caveat that I have had some relationships in the past (2, one of 2 months and one of 3 months), those were at this point more then 15 years ago

I’m also basically the standard 36YO nerd, like me mappies, like me MTG, like me memes, like me vtubers, etc, simple as, I also work, own a house and a car, have friends that I see every few months, family that likes me and I like them, basically all standard stuff, regular john normal

However, I do feel a bit lost at this particular point: I’m still a fucking teenager who’s crushing on every woman he sees,

It’s kind of infuriating, “huh, this woman is interacting with me, I wonder if she’ll let me stick my penis inside of her”, this is 1) super distracting and 2) mega disrespectful, she’s her own person, probably with more capabilities than me, and not just a slab of meat for me release my urges into

So, I’ve decided to do something about that, I’ve lost 35kg (77 pounds for the yanks) and have started to go to a voice coach so I can sound less annoying (a complaint I’ve had over the years, I’ve even been seeing a psychologist every week

So why would I need advice from you I hear you wonder? Well, it’s always been kind of hammered into me that relations need to happen organically, boy meets girl leads to man meats woman (the only reason I’ve been called boring is because I stop myself from making jokes like this in regular company), basically 2 people talk and they both like that, at some point they touch each other and eventually they get into a relationship

Here’s my problem: I’ve never deliberately touched another human being, moved 10cm closer yes, but outright touching? no, I once even jumped when a woman touched my thigh during a card game since that’s never happened before (or since).

I once told a friend I’ve been flirting with a particular girl and he said “you flirt like a wet puppy” and another said that I looked like someone who’s crawling on top of closets with my phone held high in a desperate attempt to achieve connection, there was even a time where a friend said to my face: “you don’t really think you can seduce X?” to be fair to her, this had been going on for a few months already so I think she was just the messenger, anyways, people evidently have been bothered by my flirting style which is why I stopped for a few years

Anyways, long story short: if I were to meet a woman that I’d like and we’d to get along should I then consciously decide to touch her on the shoulder or above arm in an attempt to get closer to her or should I just keep on meeting women until I find someone I’d put my hand on her shoulder without thinking about doing so even if I’ve so far never done so for the thousands of people I’ve met over the years?

Kind regards, and hope to hear from you soon,

How Do I Start?

The way you frame your question is getting in the way of what you’re actually asking about. Your letter is about touching someone, but then there’s what you’re actually asking: whether flirting is something that you should just “know” how to do, or if it’s something that you have to learn.

And that part’s easy: flirting is a skill, and skills don’t come naturally to us. Skills are developed through deliberate practice; that is, you get better by doing the thing you’re trying to get better at. If you were a bird, that would be one thing; you’d have an instinct to do a funky little dance and display your vibrant plumage, build a nest or otherwise put on a mating display. Those aren’t taught to birds as chicks by parents; they’re hardwired into them by nature of being birds.

You, presumably, are a human, though, and part of being human is that we have to consciously develop the skills we want to cultivate. You wouldn’t expect to be an expert at football from the first moment you set foot on the pitch; it takes time and effort, from learning the basics, running drills over and over again, playing in scrimmages and so on. Some people may have aspects that give them an advantage in learning those skills – they may have better coordination, faster reflexes, or a greater natural athleticism – but they still have to put in the time to actually develop the skills to become a top-tier player.

So it is with flirting. We aren’t born knowing how to flirt; we have to figure out how to flirt and we have to get better at it by actually flirting. And that means that, by default, we have to be willing to flirt badly at first. You may know the broad brush strokes, the same way that you know what being good at football looks like, but that’s not the same as being able to do it. You’re going to be ignorant of a lot of the fundamentals, which are appropriate for the moment, and how to use them the most effectively. 

So, yeah, you’re going to suck at first and you’re going to have to be ok with sucking at it. 
That means accepting that we’re going to make mistakes, misread whether other people are flirting with us and flirt in ways that don’t work for the person we’re trying to flirt with or that are incongruent with who we are as individuals.

And that’s ok! Everyone starts at the same place when they’re trying to develop a skill: we all suck at it at first, no matter who we are. David Beckham didn’t come out of the womb with a right foot blessed by God, any more than Michael Jordan was born able to dunk like gravity simply didn’t apply to him. But as the sage once said: sucking at something is the first step to being kinda good at it.

This doesn’t mean that you should be laser-focused on figuring out when, where and how to touch someone that you’re interested in, although that is one of the ways people flirt. You want to figure out how you flirt, what flirting looks like when it’s in alignment with who you are as a person. The way I flirt is going to look different from the way you flirt, because we’re different people, with different personalities. What works for me may not work for you and vice versa. Figuring out your style is part of the point of practicing.

The thing to understand is that flirting is, at the end of the day, a way of signaling to someone that you are attracted to them and that you like them. Your goal isn’t to get them to like you as much as it is to invite them and encourage them to flirt back. The act of flirting is about interaction, about two people sharing a moment together, building a connection and deciding if, when and how they want to move that connection forward.

A lot of people, for example, will flirt for fun, but without intent. That is, they’re flirting because flirting is fun and it feels good to know that someone likes you and finds you attractive and to play around a bit with those feelings. They flirt for the same reason we play games – for the sake of enjoying something with another person. They may find that person attractive, but they don’t intend to take that connection any further than that moment. Others will, because that mutual attraction builds upon itself and they would like to see where it goes.

And this is where flirting acts as a filter, as much as a means of signaling, gauging and building interest. Someone who doesn’t flirt or enjoy flirting the way that you do is likely someone who isn’t necessarily compatible with you. If you’re someone who likes wordplay and teasing, someone who doesn’t like it isn’t going to respond well to it. Some people appreciate boldness and directness. Others feel their heart melt for someone who’s a little shy and adorkable but trying anyway. Playing that game together helps you find the people who are similar to you… and we’re far more attracted to people who are similar to us than our opposites.

So if, as you mention in your letter, people are annoyed by how you flirt, it’s worth asking whether you’re flirting in a way that’s congruent with who you are, whether you’re flirting with people who are ultimately incompatible with you, or whether it’s the lack of practice that’s getting in the way.

In other words: it’s a skill issue.

It may well be that your flirting doesn’t look like the way your friends’ does and that’s ok. It’s about finding what works for you, not imitating them.

I do recommend getting comfortable with touch and with touching, in part because knowing how to read touch is invaluable. Some people are just touchy-feely types; others dislike it except with very specific folks. By getting comfortable and practiced at it, you get better at recognizing when your touch is welcomed and when you should hold back; after all, you don’t want to touch someone who doesn’t want to be touched or in a way that makes them uncomfortable or upset, any more than you’d want them to do that to you.

But for now, what I would suggest is doing some thinking about what flirting would look like for you and finding ways to practice it as you go about your day to day life. This doesn’t mean you should be acting like an oversexed cartoon skunk everywhere you go, so much as just finding opportunities to make little flirty gestures or comments like sonar pings and see what comes back. If you get a positive response, you can flirt a little more or turn up the volume a bit; if you don’t, then you know to dial things back. There’ll be times when you may be inappropriate and, in those moments, you should apologize and dial it back. That’s an important part of learning as well.

The more you do this, the better you’ll get at reading the room and reading the individual. That’ll make it that much easier to find your people and let them know: you’re into them, and would they like to find out if they’re into you as well?

Good luck. 

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Doctor:

I saw your “Flurry of dating advice” post on Google, and one guy said pretty awkwardly that he was into Asian goth girls because he associates paleness with Japanese horror.

The thing is, I more or less agree with that guy. I’m not goth myself, but I do like that subculture, and might make some new additions to my wardrobe. I’m sort of into pale women in general because I associate pale skin with mortality, the supernatural, and horror. Some female characters I’m a fan of have this trait and and something to do with these themes: Death of The Endless (DC’s “The Sandman”), Frederica “The Cleaner” Sawyer (Black Lagoon), Tomie Kawakami (Junji Ito), and Morticia Addams (The Addams Family). For a pale male character I’m a fan of, John Kramer (Saw).

Essentially, I agree with the Gothic subculture; it appreciates paleness aesthetically because it represents macabre themes such as death, mortality, the supernatural (think vampires, ghosts, the undead), the afterlife, and decay.

And just like that other guy, I love horror; it’s my bread and butter. My idea for a date would be playing Silent Hill together, or reading horror manga together late at night while H.P. Lovecraft ambience plays in the background.

I’m essentially asking if it’s normal for horror fans, male or female, to find pale skin attractive? Is it normal to find beauty in pallor? Because this makes two people who do. Is it normal, and do you have any good dating tips for me?

Spooky Is Sexy

You’re asking the wrong question, SIS, because whether this is “normal” or not is ultimately irrelevant. “Normal”, in the context that you’re referring to, just means “in the mainstream”. Attractiveness and physical beauty  is as much cultural as it is biological. While, as a general rule, we tend to find things like facial symmetry and outward signs of physical health attractive, a lot of what’s considered “beautiful” is going to be defined by outside influences – your culture, your peers, your life experiences, and so on.

Standards of beauty have varied wildly over time and around the world. Things that one culture or people saw as the epitome of beauty often would weird out others – blackened teeth in Southeast Asian and Oceanic cultures in the 16^th and 17^th century would be repulsive in 18^th Century France, while the powdered wigs, parchment-white faces with roughed cheeks and lips and fake beauty marks in Versailles would seem almost freakish in sub-Saharan African communities.

All of them would consider what they found beautiful to be “normal”. They might find other cultures beauty practices and standards exotic and intriguing or weird and upsetting… but it would be different and not “normal”. It’s only with the advent of modern mass-media that we’ve seen certain beauty standards become more dominant; that’s less about being “normal” so much as an increase in monoculture via cultural hegemony.

This is why wondering whether what you find attractive is “normal” misses the point. It’s not about being normal, it’s about understanding who you are and what you’re into. You dig pale skin, dark hair and the morbid and macabre. Your ideal partner is someone who appreciates goth culture, horror media and controlled scares. It means that your dating pool is going to be a little smaller than it would be if you were more into aesthetics that were more widely popular, but that’s different from being abnormal. Think of it like candy corn; a lot of people hate it, and a lot of people crave it. As the meme goes: there are people who will adore you for the exact same reasons as other people reject you. You are someone’s candy corn (derogatory), and someone else’s candy corn (complimentary).

Go find the communities and hangouts where you’ll find other folks with a taste of the macabre, unnerving, grotesque or scary hanging out. Worry less about what’s normal and put your focus on finding your candy corn.

Good luck.