Dating with different values: how to connect with respect

Online dating opens up a whole new world to us, full of people from places and walks of life we’d never otherwise encounter. It’s one of the most exciting things about meeting someone online: an opportunity to learn, to grow, and to glimpse something of the divine in each of us. Many couples who met on Christian Connection say that they’d never have run into each other ‘offline’. Their paths were simply too different to have met.

However, can also present the scenario of encountering people with beliefs that we might find hard to understand and the choice of dating with different values. We live in times when differences of opinion can feel like fault lines rather than bridges, and when screens separate us it can be especially easy for misunderstandings or conflict to creep in.

So, how do we embrace our differences in a way that honours God, honours others, and still protects our own values and sense of what’s important? Christian Connection works hard every day to create a platform that is welcoming, kind and supportive, so single Christians can meet each other with confidence. You can read more here about what we do and don’t allow on the site to enable this to happen and to ensure every member feels safe.

Here are some suggestions for how to treat everyone with kindness and honour, without compromising your own beliefs. Dating with different values doesn’t have to lead to disrespect.

Think about positivity in your own profile

It can be tempting to define ourselves by what we’re not. “I can’t stand people who…” or “I don’t believe in…” can slip out all too easily. But defining yourself with negativity can make other people feel negatively about you.

Instead, think about why your values matter to you, and the positive way they affect your life. Instead of criticising others, share your own truths by telling people what you stand for, rather than what you stand against.

For example, instead of saying “I hate materialistic people,” you could describe how much charitable giving means to you, and the causes you support. Or, rather than saying you don’t want to meet someone who rarely goes to church, why not share how valuable your church community is to you?

Framing your values positively not only avoids ruffling feathers by sounding critical, but also helps others see what’s important to you.

Keep kindness in mind when messaging

When you send that first message, you don’t have to agree on everything (far from it)! A little difference can keep things interesting. But you can always show respect.

If you like someone and want to know more, but they’ve mentioned something you disagree with, you can test the waters carefully:

Be curious. Ask friendly questions about why they believe what they do, rather than telling them why you think they shouldn’t.
Listen. Even online, paying attention to what someone says is always noticed, and makes a big difference.
Avoid critical language. “I see that differently” can come across much better than “That’s wrong,” and allows you the chance to politely explain why.
Opt not to message. We all get tempted to rush in with a correction when someone is “wrong” on the internet! But if the values expressed in someone’s profile just aren’t for you, it’s often best not to message at all. Try not to court argument for argument’s sake.

Showing kindness and respect means being willing to let someone share their point of view, even one that you disagree with, without rushing to criticism.

Learn to step back kindly

Sometimes you might sense early on that the other person’s views are so different that a long-term connection might be difficult. That doesn’t mean either of you are wrong necessarily, but it might mean you’re wrong for each other.

If that’s the case, it’s best to be honest and step back politely. You don’t have to get into the nitty-gritty of what you don’t like about them or their views – that’s likely to end things on a bitter note. Try not to ghost, either. Nobody likes being left hanging, and pulling a sudden vanishing act can leave the other person feeling confused or hurt.

Instead, try thanking them for their time and letting them know that you don’t think things will work out romantically. Wish them all the best, and move forward.

Don’t feel guilty for realising you’re incompatible with someone. It’s much better to spot this early on, so you can both focus on finding a connection that’s right for you, without compromising on your values.

Disagree without fighting

No matter how perfect someone might be for you, there will always be something you disagree on! Disagreements can be healthy, and if you’re open enough they might even challenge you to explore your own views, but they never have to become unpleasant.
If you find that a conversation is becoming confrontational, it’s time to dial the temperature back down.

Take care not to use insulting language when discussing something you disagree on. Someone liking something you don’t doesn’t make them ‘stupid’ or ‘crazy’. Instead of being critical, ask what the other person means, or why they feel the way they do, rather than being dismissive.

Most importantly, if things are feeling unpleasant or too intense it’s always okay to pause, take a time out, or decide to return to it later with calmer heads.

Be respectful and safe when meeting in person

We’re usually on our best behaviour when we meet a date for the first time! But, if differences of opinion do crop up, it can feel even more uncomfortable face-to-face.
Provocative or sensitive topics often aren’t the best options for first-date conversations, so make sure you have a few easier subjects up your sleeve to keep things flowing.

Focusing on learning about the other person, rather than setting the world to rights, is often the best choice when you’re just starting out.

It’s always okay to say you’d rather not speak about a certain subject, or to steer away from anything that feels like it might become a disagreement. But, if you do run into areas where you disagree, keep things polite and respectful and you’ll be sure to find common ground again swiftly.

Remember, if you ever feel unsafe, whether on Christian Connection or on a date with another member, end the conversation and, if necessary, report it to us at help@christianconnection.com

In all things, love one another

At the heart of Christian dating is the call to love. This doesn’t mean we have to agree on everything, but that we should treat each person we meet as made in God’s image, and show them patience, humility, and care. Even when you disagree, try to be the kind of person who builds others up, rather than tears them down.

Whatever our values, we can all value kindness, respect, and love: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:34