Am I Less of A “Real” Man Than I Thought?

Estimated reading time: 19 minutes

Hi Doc,

I think this will be a lot lighter than a lot of letters that you receive, and it’s perhaps a little funny, but it’s a problem none the less, and I’m a little worried that there’s some problematic luggage in my brain that I’d like to unpack and then throw on a bonfire.

Basically, I’m a cis straightish guy, but on a night out with friends recently one of them let slip that there’s a bit of a joke that I dress like a stereotypical lesbian.

I actually found the observation pretty funny, know that it wouldn’t have come from a place of cruelty and I don’t entirely disagree with it. They image searched “stereotypical lesbian outfit” and well, I did a double-take on a couple of pictures thinking they were me. I’ve always thought of my typical dress sense as kind of grunge-meets-redneck and no other connotations ever really struck me. I’m socially adroit enough to be capable of dressing for the occasion, but let’s say a it’s a night where I go for a beer or two and watch some live music, then yeah, I’ll likely be wearing a flannel shirt, jeans, wallet chain and trucker cap. Coupled with my piercings and haircut, which are pretty androgynously coded, I get it. I play a sport that is often associated with queer women and my Spotify list isn’t short on the likes of Sleater-Kinney or Bikini Kill in the context of me enjoying alternative-rock more generally. It’s not like Nirvana and Fugazi don’t feature heavily too. I’ve read The Bell Jar, but only because good literature is good literature. I’ve read Hemmingway too.

I’d like to point out at this juncture that stereotypes are just that: stereotypes, but they do usually have a basis in patterns. You can’t always tell something about someone just by how they dress, but I guess some people do try and communicate things with their clothes.

When the hangover faded, a couple of questions stuck with me.

The first is: Am I giving off a weird vibe? I don’t think so, I have plenty of women as friends, some of whom have laughed too and agreed when I’ve mentioned this, as does my partner. But it does worry me that I come across as one of those dudes who tries to position himself as “one of the good ones”. I don’t think anything else in my behaviour suggests that, but it worries me I might be perceived that way just for trying to live in a way I enjoy. Additionally, if not that, am I negating or diluting my own appeal? I’m happily with someone, and they say they like how I dress, but I do wonder about how I’m perceived.

The second is more complex. I actually kind of do feel like I’m performing in a sort of drag socially. I was a misfit as a teenager and I was really uncomfortable with the laddish culture (I’m from the UK, so think football, Oasis and boorish jokes) that surrounded me. Groups of guys make me nervous. So, dressing like I do feels like I’m sort of playing the part of a guy rather than actually being one. I have plenty of male friends too, but do find it hard to connect with guys who are stereotypically masculine in their attitudes and interests. I don’t think I feel my gender strongly, but that’s perhaps a luxury of being secure in it?

What do I do, Doc? Do I burn my and-shirts and sneakers and dress in a Soccer shirt and chinos when I dress casually? Cut my hair and only listen to Metallica? I kid, but I’m not sure what my question is entirely, just that I’m kind of in a bit of a spin.

Yours,

Jewel Has Some Great Stuff, Actually

I think it says something about my age that everything you describe about how you dress sounds way more like you’re from the mid-90s or doing upcountry degen cosplay rather than dressing like a stereotypical lesbian. Throw in a beat-to-shit pickup and a pack of American Spirits and a bigmouth of Mickey’s and you’d be most of the way there.

(Granted, the overlap in this particular Venn Diagram is very, very large.)

More to the point though: I think you’re seriously overthinking what was an off-hand and not terribly serious comment by a friend, and I think you’re also mistaking the signifiers that come with your style. The look you describe is “stereotypical” for lesbians because it’s a very working class look, which tends to code as a very butch look. The whole idea behind “stereotypical lesbian” is predicated on the idea that lesbians eschew a lot of femme presentation – short hair, more masculine style of dress and behavior, no make-up and so on. That is: the stereotype for “lesbian” that you’re working from are about women who dress and look more like men than like women. So, to the extent that your presentation is sending off a weird vibe, it’s only a weird vibe in that you’re seeing what’s ostensibly male-coded clothing and style being reflected back at you.

(I’d also point out that what you’re describing as ‘androgynously coded’ ismasculine; a significant of what we tend to consider ‘androgynous’ is usually “male, but skinny/soft”. Entire PhD dissertations can and have been written about this…)

I rather strongly doubt that anyone who looks at you thinks that you’re trying to position yourself as “one of the good ones”, so much as thinking that maybe you watched one too many documentaries about the Seattle grunge scene or that you’re the product of being at the tail end of the 30-year nostalgia cycle. Is it weird? Enh, I’ve seen far weirder on an average Tuesday. Nothing about your look would get you more than a passing glance or make you stand out at any of the local dive bars.

Now you are correct in that clothes are an outward expression of ourselves. The clothes we choose are a way of communicating who we are to the people around us. It often gives a shorthand as to who we are as people and what we’re about. We wear our affiliations and values on our shirtsleeves – literally. Someone who’s wearing an Austin FC or Manchester United shirt is signaling tribal affiliation, as much as someone wearing designer labels. Even when someone doesn’t put much thought into their style and presentation, that still conveys meaning and message – in this case, that they don’t care that much about their presentation. It’s part of why “dressed like a tornado hit their closet” has long been short-hand for absent-minded genius/creative type; presumably they have more pressing matters to focus on than whether their belt goes with their shoes, their shirt and trousers are freshly pressed and so on. So the way you dress does send a message about you, and it’s worth asking if that message matches with who you are as a person.

But it’s the ‘who you are as a person’ part that’s way more important. You touch on something in your letter that I don’t think you realize: a lot of traditional ideas about gender is just performance. Being a cis man doesn’t mean that you were born with a love of big boobs and crude jokes any more than being a cis woman means they were born with an inherent love of the color pink (which, incidentally, used to be considered a masculine color) and cosmetics. Sometimes we like those things and they line up with our gender, but sometimes we like those things despite or regardless how they line up with our gender. Some of it may be nature, but a hell of a lot more of it is nurture, and the “nature” aspect has more to do with personality than chromosomal pairings. Some of it can be shaped, even encouraged by societal expectations and pressure, but again: that’s not a sign of anything inherent to your gender or hormones.

When you rattle off all the ways you’re “less masculine” or giving “androgynous” vibes, you’re rattling off things that are gendered by association, but aren’t inherently gendered in and of themselves. Bikini Kill and Sleater-Kinney may appeal more strongly to a particular demographic, but that doesn’t mean that it’s exclusively for women, any more than Oasis is exclusively for men. Liking football and beer is associated with masculinity, but plenty of women, even very feminine women love both. Your gender isn’t defined by your Spotify playlist any more than it’s defined by your haircut, the books you read or the clothes you wear – no matter how many conservatives scream about it. Your gender is defined by you – not what’s in your pants or in your genes but by what’s in your head; everything else comes from that.

Do you like things that are more female-coded? Ok… that just makes you someone who likes those things. There’s no spreadsheet keeping track of your man-points and woman-points. There’s no tipping point where, if you cross beyond 50% of masculine or feminine coded interests, you’ve reduced your inherent gender identity. It’s just what speaks to you.

You have a hard time connecting with “stereotypically” or “traditionally” masculine men, but is that because you’re not as manly, or because you simply don’t have much in common with them? There’s a difference between “I don’t connect with these people because I’m not ‘enough’ of a man” and “I don’t connect with these people because I’m not into what they’re into and I find the way they behave to be off-putting”. Not liking loud, aggressive or rambunctious behavior doesn’t mean you’re not manly enough any more than being quiet, empathetic or submissive makes you a woman. It’s just who you are.  

Are you a man? Then whatever you do is “man shit”. If I take up knitting, that makes knitting manly. When my female friends pick up a hammer and a drill to put up some shelves, that’s feminine, because it’s a woman doing it. Don’t like lad mags and boner-jam movies? Ok… but you don’t need to be a man to like those any more than being a man makes you like them. Some folks dig ‘em, some folks think they’re stupid; the amount of influence it has on your inherent gender is fuck-all.

You ask what to do, but honestly, if you’re happy with who you are, there’s nothing to do. There’s nothing wrong with you and there’s nothing that needs to change. Do the things you mention limit your appeal? Sure… to a certain type of person. But that’s going to be true of anyone; there’s no such thing as universal appeal. Some people are drawn to more “traditional” ideas of masculinity and others are put off by it. Lots of people are drawn to softer dudes, more erudite or refined or restrained dudes and just as many are into guys who are confident enough in their masculinity to embrace their softer and more feminine side.

(And that’s before we even get into the debate of gender being a spectrum rather than a binary.)

You are who you are. If you like who you are? Then rock on, and people who don’t like it or think you’re doing “manhood” wrong can fuck off into the sun.

Good luck.

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Dear Dr. NerdLove: I have a question that’s less about should I stay or go but more about whether it’s worth waiting for someone or not. 

I (26,M) have been casually seeing “Summer” (28,F) casually for about eight months. Summer and I had been friends for years and we’ve always had an unvoiced attraction to each other. Our friends had been pushing at us to date because according to them, they were getting tired of watching two people who clearly were into each other never doing anything about it. The timing was never right for it to happen and for a long time, Summer was actually involved with someone else, so it’s not like anything could have happened anyway.

To make a long backstory short, Summer’s boyfriend (“Tom”) was a judgmental prick who did his best to keep her away from all of her friends, gaslighting her and trying to convince her that I (and her other friends but mostly me) were trying to break them up because I wanted to be with her instead. This was half-true; I was interested in her, but I never made a move on her, never hinted at her leaving him for me, and I’m not the guy who’s going to go around badmouthing people’s partners anyway. 

Eventually, Summer realized what a prick Tom was and there was a  prolonged break up that took place over the course of a year. He dragged it out for as long as he could, apparently just to be a jerk about it, and it left Summer in a bad state.

A while after the break up was final, Summer and I ended up sleeping together one night. It wasn’t a planned thing and we weren’t on anything like a date. We were hanging out because she had been having a bad week and need cheering up, we had a couple drinks and we ended up falling into bed together. The next morning, we talked about it. We were both surprised that it happened,  but we both agreed that it was a good thing and that we wanted it to happen again.

Over the course of the next several months, Summer and I would go out on dates and end the night either at her place or mine.  We were trying to keep it from our friends because of drama that came up during her break up and because Summer’s a private person, so we’ve had to be careful about where we go together and how we act in public. While I like seeing Summer, I’m kind of tired of our dynamic. I’d like something more open and serious with her and not having to sneak around. I appreciate that she’s a private person who doesn’t like people knowing too much about her business, and honestly,  at first having this secret affair was sexy and fun. But this arrangement is starting to feel stifling to me.

On paper, it sounds like everything should be fine, right? The problem is that the break up and all the crap that her ex pulled while they were together made Summer realize that she’d been really neglecting her own life and she wants to focus on getting things on track. She recently moved into a new place with a lot of upkeep, she’s looking into going back to school part time to pursue a new degree to help her advance in her career while still working,  and this doesn’t leave her with a lot of time. On top of everything, her break up with Tom has made her seriously reconsider what she wants from relationships, her own sexuality (she might be demi) and whether she’s even ready to date again.

When we’ve talked about the possibility of being an actual couple, she asked me what giving our relationship a label would actually mean and why it would be different from what we had. I told her that it would mean that at things were moving towards some sort of future instead of this nebulous “whatever happens” thing we have. She told me that she wasn’t sure what she could see in any future because she’s still trying to figure out her present, so this was all she could offer for now and she hoped that I was ok with this. She made it clear that she wasn’t seeing anyone else and not interested in pursuing things with anyone else, but I shouldn’t consider myself locked down by her and I should feel free to see other people if I wanted to.

I know this sounds like I was getting brushed off, but we’re still seeing each other when we can. It’s not as often as I’d like, and these days I’m feeling like there’s some distance between us. I don’t know if that’s real or just a matter of my being frustrated, but it feels like I’m being held at arm’s length, but she swears she’s not trying to do that. We talk regularly, but trying to schedule time in person to do more than grab a quick lunch or dinner is a struggle and we haven’t had sex in a couple of months now.

I know she genuinely likes me and I really like her as well. We have a great time when we can get together, but it feels like those are further and further apart as she’s pursuing things and she’s been straightforward about not being able to give me any sort of timeline when she’d be likely to know what she wants or can give me the kind of relationship I want. 

I don’t want to end things because I really like what we have, when we have it, and I haven’t met anyone else I like as much as her. I just wish there were more. I hate feeling like a dirty little secret, and it’s frustrating not being able to see her and feeling like there’s this distance. Is it time for me to give up and move on, or is it worth sticking things out and giving her more time and hoping for things to change?

500 More Days Of Summer  

This is a tough one, 5MDS, and I feel for you. While I’m someone who advocates for taking action instead of waiting and hoping for someone to change their mind, the fact is that sometimes there really aren’t any new actions to take.

Sometimes it really comes down to how badly you want this and what you’re willing to endure in the process, with an understanding that it may still never work the way you hoped.

I’ve had relationships where I wanted more than what the other person did or could give, so believe me, I understand that frustration. I’ve also been in situations like yours, where someone told me, straight up, what they were and weren’t able to give, and I hung in because I figured if the choice was between “what we have now” and “nothing”, I chose “what we have” and hoped that I could hang in long enough for things to change… and in a couple cases when I was younger, hoping that maybe I could change their mind.

Spoiler alert: this rarely worked the way I’d hoped.

Here’s the thing, 5MDS: you’ve had the conversation. You’ve laid out what you want and what you’d like to see this relationship be. Summer’s told you where she’s at, and it sounds like she’s been straightforward with you about what she wants and what she’s able to give. That’s ultimately the limits of what you can do; everything else is going to be about whether you’re willing to roll the dice on this working out the way you hope.

I’m going to make an awkward and inelegant metaphor, but stick with me for a moment. Think of what you have with Summer as equivalent of a risky investment. There’s a chance at a big pay-off at the end – a committed, serious relationship with her – but the odds are long and the amount you’d be risking (time, emotional energy, missed opportunities) is significant. You’re going to be dealing with a lot of potential turbulence in the meantime, where things are going to feel like maybe you’re watching your investment about to crater and it’d be better to pull out and accept your losses instead of risking the loss of even more. You have to weigh what you know – what Summer has said, how she’s behaving and how it’s making you feel – against what you believe and what you hope for. You feel like you’re being kept at arm’s length and you’re getting frustrated; are you going to take that as signs that maybe she’s slow-walking you out of this situationship, or are you taking her at her word that she likes you but circumstances aren’t favorable right now?

There’re lots of folks who’d make all the usual noises, either telling you HODL (hold on for dear life) or to recognize the sunk-cost fallacy for what it is and bail. But it’s easy for other people to tell you what to do; it’s hypothetical for them. They don’t have the actual investment in this that you do. So the big question really does come down to: how badly do you want this and how much faith do you have that this will pay off in the end?  

With regards to Summer herself, I think she’s playing you straight. She’s going through some serious life changes and those require a serious investment of her time and energy. It makes sense to me that she doesn’t have as much free time to see you if she’s having to work on her house and she’s trying to work and pursue a degree. And if she is demisexual, the fact that you’ve been and are apparently still sleeping together suggests that she feels close and connected to you. So I don’t think she’s trying to wave you off or passively-aggressively trying to end things. That’s all good.

But that doesn’t guarantee you a happy ending. This is a situation that not only has no end date in sight, but one that also isn’t likely to be static and stable the entire way through. Signing up for this means signing up for potential turbulence and greater challenges the longer you wait. The odds are good that, as she gets closer to meeting the requirements for a new degree, she’s going to have less time than she does now. There’s also every chance of chaos entering the equation – she loses her current job, she discovers that her new place needs more work than she thought previously or some of the fixes come back around to bite her in the ass. There’s also every chance that, as she gets further along on this journey, she realizes that what she wants from life has changed too… and that may mean that her feelings for you change, too.

There’s also the possibility that you might find that your feelings change. The frustration gets to be too much, you feel neglected (even unintentionally) or you simply don’t have enough meaningful time together to keep things going. That’s always a possibility too.

So, ultimately, the question becomes: how comfortable are you with the risks that you’re facing? Are you willing to invest the time and emotional energy in Summer, with the understanding that there’s no clock to wait out and no guarantee that this will ever pay off? What level of frustration are you willing to accept? Game this out in your head: how long would you be willing to stay in this relationship if you knew that nothing would change and this was the status quo from now going forward?  A year? Six months? Six weeks? Is what you currently have enough to invest time in that you will never get back?

Alternately, you could trust in that what makes you right for one another now will means you’ll still be right in the future. Do you feel strong enough in what you two share that you’re willing to put it on pause and then circle back around to one another when things are less chaotic and more settled? Are you willing to make as risky a choice that you and she will both be single and still interested down the line when she’s got the emotional bandwidth and available time for a relationship? Or are you holding on to what you have now because you worry that if you let go, she’ll find someone else? I can tell you from experience that when someone says “this is all I can give at the moment”, it stings a lot more when they remind you of that while you’re making your final plea for more.

I don’t mean to imply that you don’t have hope, simply that you’re playing long odds, whichever way you choose. You are the one who has to decide whether what you have now is worth what you’re giving up in exchange, because there is no guarantee that it will be more than this. If the level of risk and frustration is within what you’re able to handle, then holding on doesn’t seem like the worst option. But regardless, you’ll want to go into this with your eyes open and an understanding of what you’re signing up for. You’re ultimately the only one who can decide whether it’s worth it.

Good luck.