I Need Help To Be A Worse Person!

Estimated reading time: 27 minutes

Doctor’s Note: Occasionally I get a letter that is less of an entry for Ask Dr. NerdLove and more of an a prompt for a longer form response — not a Post-Mortem but rather, a discussion with The Chair Leg of Truth as we go through the letter point by point. 

This is one of those times. Settle in folks, this is gonna be a long one.

Dear Dr. NerdLove: I need to learn how to manipulate women.

An odd opener, but to steal a line from Professor Neil: hit me with it.

Thanks to reading your blog, at 27 years old I’ve developed my life enough that I don’t need a relationship.

I am going to be honest: I’m seriously questioning what you actually got from my column based on what you’re going to say next.

I’m extremely fulfilled emotionally and socially; plenty of hobbies, I volunteer at my local animal shelter, and I go out with friends (men and women) pretty regularly.

I want to make a joke here, but I will again point out that you’re about to contradict this statement to an almost shocking degree.

But that doesn’t take away my need for sex. Unfortunately, now I ONLY want sex, and frequently, with many different women. White, Black, brown, Asian, skinny, chubby, short, tall, long haired, short haired, bald, I want them. Relationships have lost their appeal entirely to me.

Letters like this usually take a little longer to go completely off the rails, so, kudos for that, I guess. On the plus side, however,  it means that we can get straight to your problem which is… well, what you just wrote.

We can start with the fact that you’re hardly unique in wanting sex and just sex; lots of folks want to get their itch scratched and aren’t necessarily interested in anything more. So far, so normal. Not everyone wants a relationship that lasts longer than a night or a single sexual encounter and that’s fine. As long as everyone knows this is a one-time or limited time thing, more power to ‘em and may it all be safe, happy and involve easy clean-up.

But there’s an important addendum here where you say “relationships have lost their appeal entirely to me”. This, if you ask me, is something you should be digging into, because this would be the flexion point where you could have pivoted to being… I’ll be nice and call it “less MGTOW-y”.

Now, dear reader, if this seems as though I’m implying that  there’s something ominous coming down the pike, well… that’s where you’re right. 

But I still want to feel like I’m desirable enough or competent enough to get laid without having to perform a song and dance just to prove my worth to every woman I find vaguely attractive, and random compliments don’t cut it. I want SEX, not empty words. What good is praise from your boss if you’re never promoted?

There it is.

Congratulations, Super Chief. For all the people who’ve written in because they were worried that they were becoming an incel, you’ve managed to provide a concrete example of the difference between someone who isn’t having sex and wants to change that, and an incel.

And wouldn’t you know it, most of it comes down to  weird, socially maladjusted views about gender and how sex and relationships work, all sourced from questionable subreddits, Discords that somehow manage to smell like mildew and feet, and guest lectures from the professors emeritus of Dude, Trust Me University.

This right here is what we in the sex-advice biz call “a rich text” because there’s just so much dysfunction packed into three – count ‘em, three – sentences.

First there’s the fact that what you’re looking for isn’t sex, it’s validation; you’re just treating sex as the currency that validation is paid in. Otherwise, as is often the case, this is a money-soluble problem. Sex workers exist, and if all you want is just sex and nothing else from them, then a straight commercial transaction will fit that bill.

But you’re not looking for sex, you’re looking for strangers to confirm to you that you’re desirable and paying someone for their time would preclude that feeling that you’re a special, special boy. And that gets reinforced when you say that you want this without “having to perform a song and dance to just prove your worth”.

Which in and of itself is somewhat interesting, because I’m curious as to what, precisely, you think this “song and dance to prove your worth” actually is. Especially based on things you say a little later on in your letter… but we’ll get to that in a moment.

But I think we get a pretty strong hint of where the issue lies when you say “What good is praise from your boss if you’re never promoted?”

I know I literally just talked about how metaphors become useless when you drag them out, but the implication here is that women you want to have sex with are… your boss. Or rather, less the boss so much as a person who has more power or greater social status than you. And this is precisely how I know what Discords and forums you’re hanging out in because I’ve been dealing with this “who has the power” shit since before you could shave.

This mindset tells me what I need to know: this is entirely about how you feel about yourself and you’re hoping that throwing enough sex at it will fix this. Well, I’m here from the future to tell you that this isn’t going to work. You are, at best, trying to fill a bottomless hole and the most you will ever get out of this is brief numbness. There may – may – be a moment of euphoria at first that you will think is a sign that everything is different now, but that will fade almost as soon as the afterglow does, and you will be right back where you started. And that’s assuming that you even get that level of satisfaction in the first place, because I can assure you: you will always have that little voice in the back of your head, patiently explaining to you why this didn’t ‘count’.

And that’s assuming that you actually come away having enjoyed the sex in the first place. I’ve had more sex than you’ve had hot meals, and I can tell you that a lot of no-strings, no-connection hook-ups can leave you feeling cheap and unfulfilled. You may have gotten off, but the sense of “well, that happened” and “I don’t know if that was even worth it” comes rolling in pretty damn fast. Especially if you were just having sex for the sake of having sex. Or if – and I’m just spitballing here – you thought it was going to change how you saw yourself for the better.

Now, while we’ve zeroed in on precisely where the problem is, we aren’t done, because there’s a lot of evidence of precisely how you’ve let incel and blackpill logic twist things in your head in ways that I don’t think you even realize. I don’t even mean how you think about women, I mean in the various “facts” that you’re about to lay out that “prove” why you’re doomed and have to learn how to be a heartless and manipulative person. 

99% of women I meet aren’t interested in me anyway,

I hate to break it to you big shoots, but that’s true of everyone. The vast majority of the people that everyone meets aren’t interested in them. This is why dating exists: because we’re all looking to find some mutual interest. Nobody is universally attractive, sexual attraction is complex and even the dudes you think are the hottest of the hot aren’t going around with umbrellas to ward off the storms of panties being thrown their way.

So, welcome to the world, wear a hat.

so I just end up wasting time and effort getting to know women who I’ll never see again.

What reason could there be that would cause these theoretical women to not want to see you again? It’s a mystery.

For what? I have friends if I want a conversation.

I am seriously starting to question this statement.

And obviously, just asking every woman if she wants to fuck doesn’t work,

Yes, because that’s not how people work. The only people who go up to strangers and saying “hey, want to fuck?” are weird YouTubers and nobody with an ounce of sense expects it to actually pay off.

because they all wants to feel unique and special,

Do I need to point out just how much framing this as “they want too much” is going to explain why you’re not getting laid?

while simultaneously enjoying treating men as disposable and replaceable.

And here we get our first citation from “Trust Me, Bro U”. Which is also profoundly ironic, considering that this is precisely how you want to treat women. But I guess what’s good for the goose pisses off the gander when he thinks it happens to him.

Which it doesn’t, but go off, my guy.

For once I’d like to be able to treat women the same way.

Still can’t believe you’re not knee-deep in pussy as we speak.

I don’t want to be loved. I don’t want to be remembered.

I want to fuck and forget, and BE fucked and BE forgotten.

I would refer you back to “sex workers exist”, except not only is this not about sex but sex workers aren’t here to be the punching bag for you to externalize your self-loathing onto the women you think are denying you what you supposedly “deserve”.

But my body’s not good enough to get laid without performing and proving my worth to every woman I’m interested in,

I don’t know how to break this to you Pooh-bear, but anyone who’s having consensual sex with someone has “proven” their worth, in as much as they’ve demonstrated that sex with them would be good enough to be worth risks to the other person’s health and their emotional, social and physical safety.

Your body isn’t the deciding factor. It is, at most, a part of the equation and not even one that’s weighted equally in every instance of that equation.

If you’re not willing or able to clear this bar, that’s on you, not them.

which means I’m wasting a lot of time, since 99% of women will say no due to my inadequate (for sexual attractiveness) genetics.

It ain’t your genetics they’re saying “no” to, my guy. It’s this entire letter. I can tell that you’re a virgin, not because you’re a loser, but because you seem to be convinced that “a hot body is all you need to make sex enjoyable”. 

I can speak confidently to this, and say “no, no it is not”. I, personally have been with women who had bodies to make a priest kick in a stained glass window, but were among the worst sex I’ve ever had. I have also been with women who may not have been conventionally beautiful or Playboy models, and yet who were able to make me see the face of God and left me barely able to walk the next morning.

Women can also testify to this. Almost every woman I know who has sex with men has encountered men with Abercrombie and Fitch bodies or penises that required a secondary circulatory system who could only make a woman scream because he was leaning on her hair. Meanwhile they’ve also been with fat dudes who they wrote to their friends about and guys with micropeens who were their best lovers because they could give oral like they were writing the book on the topic with their tongue.

Skill, connection, enthusiasm and communication make all the difference. And thus far, you’re demonstrating that you’re not interested in literally any of this.

I’m only 5’9, WAY too short to be desired just for sex.

I’m 5’8”. This is a skill issue on your part.

If I were to throw some promises of a nice house in there, I might have a chance, I guess.

I’ve had acne scars since I was 13, because no meds work and Accutane interferes with meds I need for a chronic condition.

I’ll forgo pointing out how this isn’t a disqualifier and instead mourn the fact that there are no dermatologists nor a long list of treatments and therapies that could help with this.

I’m skinny as shit, can’t put on muscle to save my life. Been trying for seven years.

And God knows women have never been interested in skinny dudes. Or short dudes. Or skinny short dudes. Even skinny short dudes who love to play weird little freaks.

I’ve got a weird round, flat face.

Weirdly high voice

Patchy facial hair, so I can’t hide my tiny chin without looking just as bad.

Still a skill issue, boo-boo.

I mean, you could always throw money at this, since chin implants and jaw enhancement is, in fact, a thing… but it’s still not gonna help. You, like many incels before you, would come out still pissed at the world and with no noticeable change in your life, because the call is coming from inside your head. 

Simply put: my body’s not worth enough to be able to afford the price women charge genetically average-and-below men for sex without the whole clown show.

Once again, we can tell where you’re hanging out because you think this is about genetics and not about the fact that literally nothing about the way you’re presenting yourself indicates that women would actually enjoy having sex with you.

It’s got nothing to do with your body or your face or your height and literallyeverything to do with the way you radiate bitterness and resentment like a passive-aggressive Chernobyl. Even if you could lick your eyebrows and breathe through your ears, women who spend their time in your presence are going to be quietly clocking where the exits are because they’re going to want to know where to head if you trip your circuit breakers.

My female friends try to tell me I just haven’t found “The One” yet, and despite having had one night stands themselves, try to discourage me from the same.

Alright, so remember the part where I said that we were going to go into all the ways your “logic” doesn’t logic and you’ve let your incel brain worms twist your thinking to the point that you don’t know what you’re actually saying or asking for?

This is where it starts, because we have a prime example right here. You rather clearly aren’t listening to what your female friends are saying, nor are you understanding why they’re saying it. You are listening with half an ear at best, and even then you were only listening for what you expected to hear.

So here’s what you missed, broseph: the fact that they have had one night stands has nothing to do with whether it would be a good idea for you to pursue them. They’re not being hypocritical; they’re coming to this from a place of experience and knowledge and they are attempting to do you a favor.

The reason why they discouraged you from trying to have one-night stands is because they’re trying to keep you from making a mistake. They’re telling you that what would be best for you is finding someone who you could have a connection with, who you can communicate with and have a relationship with because it means you are much more likely to be with someone who would actually care about your experience. Not only would you have a better chance of finding someone (theoretically), but you would actually have a good time.

It would also require that you not be a hateful and repellant little shit, so that women would want to have some sort of a relationship with you.

Focusing on one-night stands is entirely down to you trying to fluff your ego. But since you lack experience, view women with active disdain and  there’s the aforementioned radioactive bitterness leaking from you, the odds of you actually successfully achieving one are astronomical and the odds of it going well are even lower.

The best you could hope is that you get off, which is by no means guaranteed; the attitude you’re showing in your letter is enough to ensure that people would toss you out before you got two strokes in, and even more likely to show you the door before you so much as got your shoes off. 

I’ve read your blog before,

Based on literally everything, I sincerely doubt this, but go ahead.

so just to ward off what I know is coming: please don’t try to tell me sex isn’t important or that relationships are what really matter.

This is entirely your damage, my guy.

If that’s the case, just stop having sex with your wife. You’ll still be married, and that’s the only important thing, right? It won’t have impact at all on your life satisfaction.

You seem unaware that asexual people exist, that companionate marriages are a thing and that people can have partnerships where sex and a sexual connection aren’t a priority.

But hey, I’m sure you thought you had a hell of a zinger locked and loaded, so way to try!

Please don’t try to convince me women don’t work this way or try to delude me with some “safety” bullshit.

Oh sorry, I thought you were hoping to actually have sex in this century. My bad.

Too many women love Chris Brown

I hope you didn’t hurt yourself reaching for this one. Also, Chris Brown? Really? In the Year of Our Lady Beyonce 2025, with the plethora of abusers and monsters, that’s the example you pulled?

Are you a time traveler? Did you fall asleep in a cave in 2008 and wake up last week?

or have casual sex with men they know are abusive for me to believe women give a rat’s ass about safety when they have a chance with a good-looking dude.

I am also not interested in your “proofs” that looks aren’t everything.

I’d ask how that’s working out for you, but instead I’m just going to put a little asterisk here because this is gonna get real ironic in a moment.

We’re talking about S E X here,

Why are you spelling this out like you’re trying to keep a toddler from knowing what you’re saying?

not fairy tales or romantic fantasies. Personality, ethics, what we do in our free time, etc. don’t matter when a woman wants to get laid. It’s just compensation for having imperfect genes.

Of course, far be it from me to question the informed opinion of a seasoned and experienced sex-haver like yourself, one that is surely born of many long and meaningful conversations with women in the tangled sweaty sheets and golden post-coital glow. Please continue, master sex-whisperer, share with us your years of earned wisdom.

(Also, just an aside based on an article you’ve written: SOME woman rejecting ONE good looking guy SOME nights proves nothing. Women have bad moods sometimes. What makes you think she didn’t sleep with the next tall handsome dude who hit on her, without ever discussing his hObBiEs? What makes you think the dude she rejected didn’t just get laid immediately afterward with someone else?)

I mean, as long as we’re imagining things, what makes you think that she didn’t hop on to a passing airship and flew off to explore the lost continent of Zood?

And for the love of any gods you believe in, please don’t try to convince me women have problems, too. I’ve seen waaaay too many open relationships implode to know that it doesn’t matter how fat, ugly, neurodivergent, or whatever else a woman is, she ALWAYS has dozens, if not hundreds, of sexual and romantic options she’s attracted to.

Shit, the least attractive woman I know has FOUR fuck buddies, two of whom have tried to turn it into something more.

And yet somehow you still have learned nothing from this. Fascinating.

And lords know I love all my friends,

Citation needed.

but the women among them have either a staggering blindness or a PhD in denial of this simple fact.

… y’all are seeing this too, right?

I don’t hate them for that, on the contrary: I want them to be happy.

Citation very much needed.

But I want to be happy, too, and I can’t keep living like this,

Good luck with that.

being gaslit into thinking that my desire for sex, without any culturally mandated romantic bells and whistles, is somehow not real or important,

Nobody is actually telling you this. What folks are telling you is that you suck at doing any of the things that would actually make it possible or even feasible for you to hook up with someone.

while also being lectured not to judge women who sleep around.

This, on the other hand, is a thing that if someone isn’t telling you, they should be. Even if I weren’t on Team Slut, you would think that basic self-interest would tell you that shitting on women for having sex is a very good way to convince them to not have sex with you.

Are you going to say that women don’t really want “just sex” either, and are just filling an emotional hole when they’re fill their physical one(s)?

Leaving aside the weirdness of you getting angry at me for the argument you’re having with your imagination, when all other factors are equal, who do you think women are more likely to want to have sex with: the guy who they have a good time with and treats them like a person or the angry guy ranting about how they’re sluts and talking about them “filling their holes”?

If not, I don’t see why you’d default to that answer when men are concerned.

The things you don’t see are many and varied indeed. Which includes things like “nuance” and “social context” and “people don’t exist in vacuums”.

But I’m sure those are hard to see with that massive chip on your shoulder blocking the view.

My one hope is that just because I can’t afford to pay the full price women charge for sex without a clown show, doesn’t mean I can’t learn to scam, lie, cheat, and steal what I want.

Man, still can’t put my finger on why you’re not just lounging around in your harem, leaning back in a nest of pillows and cushions while being fed grapes by women dressed in gauzy silks and muslin.

The brain isn’t rational. There must be some way to use behaviour to hijack it and bypass the compensation requirements women put on genetically average-and-below men.

You mean… “are there things that influence whether women are interested in having sex with a person that aren’t their physical looks – that, in fact, can supercede physical looks in terms of importance to sexual attraction?”

Hmmm. Weird that. Someone should write a series of posts and books and YouTube videos about this.

I know you must have learned some things from your pickup artist days.

Yes.

To start with, it involves not talking about inferior genetics constantly like you’re Baby Mengele.

And I’m not ignoring the simplest solution

Developing a personality that isn’t based on grievances and self-centeredness, learning how to connect to people on an individual level and foster a relationship built on mutual respect and affection?

of just improving my body.

Or I guess you could try that instead.

I may be able to get my hands on anabolic steroids soon,

Well, I’m sure that this will help wonderfully with the anger issues, and the backne, heart and kidney failure and shrunken testicles won’t bother you at all.

and I’m saving for plastic surgery to fix my retracted jaw, but limb lengthening surgery is too far out of my range.

And also is incredibly painful, involves years of recovery and physical therapy, puts you at an astoundingly high risk of sepsis and other opportunistic infections, leaves you with brittle bones and also doesn’t work the way you hope it will.

But hey, maybe the disproportionate limbs will distract from the backne, hair loss and shrunken testicles. You’ll be the hottest angry guy at your dialysis appointment.

Yes, I am aware I’m missing out on 80% of what makes a man immediately sexually attractive due to not being tall.

I think we can say, categorically, that you’re not nearly as aware as you think.

That’s why I am BEGGING you to make me a much, MUCH worse person,

Too late.

and teach me how to stop caring about women’s feelings,

Think you beat me to that one a while back, big shoots.

 and manipulate into bed, or at least to point me in the right direction.

Sure. Since you seem to be in the UK, that’s 0800 58 58 58.

Yes, I’m a bad person.

You said it, not me…

I’m okay with that now.

Sure, Jan.

The whole idea that we should be good without any expectation of reward is just political correctness-flavoured religion; the universe doesn’t give a shit about ethics. Things just work how they work.

As loathe as I would be to suggest such a thing to a noted scholar of philosophy like yourself, I might suggest your studies might be enhanced by watching three or four seasons of The Good Place.

I’m also devouring material from sources like [REDACTED] and Mr. [REDACTED], etc. because I know you don’t want to be associated with amoral stuff.

… and you’re coming to me because… why, again?

Ironically,

Much like Alannis, I don’t think you understand what “irony” is. Which is in itself ironic, because you display it shockingly well in this.

the only reason I’m writing to you at all is that you’re one of the few dating advice columns that don’t feel rapey,

So why are you asking for advice on how to be more rapey, especially if you’re also consuming [REDACTED]s work too?

and when I was younger and more naive, that really appealed to me. Nowadays I’m starting to see that the rapey ones are necessary, because they’ll reveal the truths that ordinary society doesn’t want to hear.

I’m not sure if you honestly think that this is supposed to persuade me to teach you what you’re asking for, or you think that this is some weird attempt to manipulate me into giving you what you ask for.

Y’know. The way you’re hoping that you think you could manipulate women into overlooking the fact that you think being “rapey” is a good thing.

Honestly, though, even if I were the Darth Vader type you seem to think, do you really think this display is what would convince me of your potential and inspire me to take you on as my apprentice?

Please don’t take my irateness here as an indication of how I feel about the work you do.

Don’t worry, I take your entire letter that way.

Like I said, I came to you because in a way, you are special in this space.

Gee thanks. I think.

I guess stuff just poured out when I started writing, and I decided to keep it in.

And despite knowing that editing exists and you could send it whenever you chose,  you decided to send this instead.

I’m not expecting to be able to pull a new partner every thirty minutes the way any mediocre woman with no prospects can;

Hey, I can promise you that this is definitely something you won’t ever have to even think about.

I know that’ll never happen.

You’re damn right.

I’d gladly settle for one every thirty days.

Good luck with that.

Right now, it looks like I might not even reach one every thirty years.

The Great Pretender

You are an optimist, huh?

Here’s the thing, Pooh bear. I went along with being asked to take part in your humiliation fetish because despite your best efforts, you are actually on the verge of understanding something and you keep just missing it by… well, I’d say “this much” but honestly it’s a little astounding that you can actually write it all with your own hands, straight out of your own brain, read the letter, acknowledge that you could’have edited the bullshit out, but chose not to, and still missed it.

In and of itself, this is kind of impressive. It’s a testimony to your determination to stay an incel, despite the fact that you don’t even believe your own bullshit. If your “inferior genes” are going to doom you to a life of unwanted celibacy no matter what, then why would any amount of “manipulation” work?

I know I’ve said “you have to decide that you want things to be different more than you want to be ‘right’” before, but I have to confess, I’ve not seen someone so determined to be wrong that you manage to actually hit the right answer and then keep going until you’re wrong again.

Now, I could put on another pantomime of pretending to be shocked and saying “wait, by your own logic, that means there’s more to sexual attraction than physical looks” and point out how all of this demonstrates that you actually know this already. And to be perfectly blunt, that’s at least half of why I pulled this letter for the column. After all, it’s not very often that someone manages to write a thesis and then immediately undermine his entire point in the same letter.

This is precisely what I mean when I mentioned the veritable tsunami of irony that was coming. You spent over a thousand words complaining about how looks were all that mattered when it came to sexual attraction, including blaming women for being abused because they were apparently reduced to idiocy by hotness. Then, while hardly pausing to take a breath, you proceeded to use hundreds more words to contradict literally everything you purported to believe by stating that there are ways of building attraction with someone that are entirely independent of their looks. You even manage to completely negate your Chris Brown argument by positing that there are ways of manipulating women that is so powerful that it could conceivably convince women to overlook the fact that the person they’re attracted to is a violent monster.

Honestly, it’s kind of impressive that you make my argument for me, in the most head-up-your-own-prolapsed-ass way possible.

But while that is grimly amusing and will serve as a valuable lesson for others, the more salient point is that in order for you to accept that attraction isn’t about looks, you had to frame it in the most toxic, hateful, and honestly misogynistic way possible. You didn’t ask “how can I be the sort of person women would want to date, even if I’m not a physical Adonis”, you asked “how can I trick, confuse and coerce women into liking me when they wouldn’t otherwise”, and that is far more telling than any of the incel talking points you spewed along the way.

And that is precisely why you’re not getting laid and why you won’t be getting laid. You’re welcome to blow your money, time and braincells on the “rapey” gurus and grifters you want, because, quite frankly, none of it is going to work. Even if they weren’t selling you misery and snake oil, none of it is going to mask the stench of the resentment and anger you’re carrying around, nor are you going to be able to convincingly perform not being someone who thinks that women are wronging him by not just bending over and saying “have a go, sir.”

The thing you have failed to grasp is that despite what the shithead grift-peddlers and grievance merchants will sell you, none of this shit is hypnosis – and that includes the dudes who are literally pitching hypnosis lessons – nor are women meat robots who respond to specific stimuli and all you have to do is flip them switches. You’re hoping to con your way into women’s pants without understanding that successful conmen are not just socially fluent but can read their marks and know how to leverage that into getting the results they want. They don’t roll up like Svengali and put people into a trance. They work by preying on someone’s greed or their desire to be helpful or both.

You, on the other hand, managed to not only demonstrate that you don’t understand people but that you can’t even be bothered to listen to them when they’re trying to help you. You were so busy being angry at the world for not telling you that you’re the specialist little boy like you think you deserve, that you honestly convinced yourself that someone saying “this is a bad idea, you’d do better if you did this instead” is hypocrisy instead of recognizing the difference in circumstances means that what you think you want is very different from what you actually need. Your friends weren’t trying to keep you from getting laid, they were trying to point you in a direction that might actually make you happy.

To be fair, this isn’t really a shock.  You had a whole-ass argument with an imaginary version of me. More than that, you thought you were being very clever by trying to prebut arguments that I have never made but you imagined I had during your made-up argument and then tried to tossed them out as though I had made them in real life.

You can’t help yourself from only hearing the discussion in your head and not the one that the person physically in front of you is making.  What about any of this would lead you to think that you would be able to put up such a convincing false front that you could “trick” someone into thinking you might be someone they might feel comfortable to have sex with?

If you want a chance to actually have a relationship with someone – one that might, might lead to physical intimacy, you’re going to have to do a deep, deep detox from all the blackpill, redpill, incel and toxic PUA bullshit you’ve been wallowing in, learn how to be a decent person and then maybe you might get somewhere… if you can do it honestly and sincerely. 

Fix your heart or die.