I Just Don’t Know How To Talk To Girls!

Estimated reading time: 16 minutes

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I grew up pretty isolated from everyone. My parents emphasized that getting good grades should be my first priority when going to school, and as such, I was able to get a lot of scholarships and attend a pretty nice college. But I feel like I missed a lot of opportunities to develop a dating life. I was involved in all sorts of sports and extracurriculars, and I could socialize with people just fine, but I never was really a part of any specific friend group, and everything stayed in school. Toward my later years, I got along with just about everybody, but it was clear that I was kind of off to the side, and I never formed any tight bonds with anyone.

Now at college, I live in an apartment alone, and the lingering feeling that I’m going to die a virgin with no one to care about is really hitting hard. At one point I was fantasizing taking my own life just to save me the pain.

I’m not a super model or anything (or even just a regular model for that matter), but I consider myself a pretty good guy. However, I was just never a part of the loop. I never got into social media because the whole landscape feels weird, and I would probably look like a dork on it anyways. It feels like there’s this giant conversation going on, and I’m by myself with no idea what’s happening.

I just don’t know what to do to form any sort of connection with someone that could lead to dating. It feels like I never learned how to really connect with people, only ever get along, and it’s starting to haunt me a little bit. I’ve never asked a girl for her number, and I’m so afraid of looking creepy, or making the situation awkward.

For the most part, I end up going to class, and then going back to my apartment, and I just don’t know what to do actually meet and talk to people. And it’s so conflicting because just going somewhere alone and initiating conversations with random people feels so weird and uncomfortable, but at the same time I so desperately want to find someone and actually start dating. I have no clue what people do to actually get girls numbers in college or how to keep the conversation going for that matter. I’m at a standstill right now, and it all feels helpless. I don’t know why dating seems so intuitive for everyone but me.

Solo Leveling Sucks

So there’s good news and bad news, SLS.

The good news is that this isn’t intuitive for everybody else. It’s all learned. Everyone who dates, who socializes or has a social life started from a place of ignorance and learned by doing. The only difference between them and you is that they started earlier than you did, that’s all. But here’s the thing:  you already have the skills you need to socialize with women and get numbers. You’ve demonstrated this already in high-school: you could get along with everyone just fine, you participated in sports teams, you had your extracurriculars and plenty of folks thought you were a fairly decent guy. All of this means that you’re in a better position than you seem to think you are.

The bad news is that you have to make the decision to actually put those skills to work, use that experience and, y’know, put yourself out there.

Now, you may be wondering why I labeled this as “bad news”, and the answer is… you already know this. You’re just not doing it, and you’re going to have to wrestle with the question of “why”?

I get that you were told to prioritize grades and getting into a good school growing up… well, congrats, you’ve done that. So now it feels like you’re doing a trapeze act without a net, and you’re playing it safe instead. You were used to having a very specific set of guidelines and instructions that gave you structure and rails to keep you in place. Now, you don’t, and that’s scary, and so you’re playing it safe. This is why you feel weird about getting on social media, why everyone feels like they’re having a conversation you don’t know how to join and why you just go from class back to your apartment; it’s what seems the least risky and the least intimidating. It may be misery, but it’s a misery you know.  

The issue you’re facing is that you’re so unused to dealing with the unknown and the unfamiliar that it’s intimidating the hell out of you and you’re worried that you’re going to fuck it up in some nebulous way. That whole “I’m going to look like a dork on social media” thing? That’s really not different from approach anxiety; you’re worried that you’re going to mess things up and it’s going to be embarrassing. Which seems like a weaksauce reason, but people have done more and worse things in the name of avoiding the risk of humiliation.

But this brings us right back to the good news I mentioned up top. You don’t realize it, but you’re in a better place than a lot of folks who have similar issues simply because you’ve shown you have the skills. You just haven’t applied them with intention and direction. You could’ve had more friends in school and had opportunities to date, if you’d been willing to take the next step instead of backing off to focus on your grades and getting the “right” high-school transcript. So if you want to break out of your shell, it’s time to do what you didn’t do in high-school.

And here’s the thing that you don’t know yet: you are in the perfect time and place to start practicing those skills and stretching those social muscles. College is practically custom built for making friends, experimenting with different sides of yourself and trying new things. You will almost never be in a place where you are surrounded by people more or less your age and in similar stages of life. There will never be a time when you have more opportunities to reach out and explore, while you also have as few responsibilities to get in the way.

So here’s what you’re going to do: instead of going back to your empty apartment when you’re done with classes, you’re going to stay on campus for a bit. You’re going to explore. I’d suggest starting with the student union or any of the on-campus activity hubs – places where people not only congregate and hang out, but where people post signs and notices and where events are held. You’re going to start looking for extracurricular activities. These could be anything – amateur sports teams looking for players, hobby or activity clubs, interest groups, anything that catches your attention, piques your curiosity or seems at least half-way interesting to you. And you’re going to sign up for a couple of these and start attending.

Don’t worry about whether you’re going to find something you like; you’re going to be spoiled for choice. There’ll be all of the college-sponsored options and a hell of a lot of unofficial ones as well. Pick… let’s say, three to start with, so there are at least three days where you don’t immediately rush back to your Fortress of Self-Imposed Solitude. And while you’re at these extracurriculars, your goal is going to be simple: you’re going to talk to folks and get to know them a little better. That’s it. You take the level that you socialized back in high-school and, rather than holding yourself back or sticking to strictly what would be necessary for the activity, you’re going to just chat with people, find out who they are and what makes them tick. Where are they from, what are they studying, what are they into besides $INSERT_ACTIVITY_HERE?

And, importantly, you’re going to see who seem to be like people you enjoy talking to and might like to talk to more often. When you meet a couple folks like that, you’re going to invite them to grab lunch with you. Or maybe coffee after class. Or see if folks want to go see a movie. Perhaps there’s another on-campus event that seems interesting and you all could check that out. This is going to necessitate you being able to get ahold of them to coordinate, make or confirm plans, so you’re going to have to ask folks for their contact information.

On the days when you don’t have those groups – or you don’t have lunchtime plans – go to the dining hall and see if there’re any large tables of folks that have room for one more. When you find one, go over and say “hey, I realized that I’ve been at $COLLEGE for $TIME and I barely know anyone, so I’ve made it a challenge to talk to strangers and meet folks. Is it cool if I join you? My name’s Solo Leveling.” Then, if they say yes, the same thing applies: you sit down and talk with them and focus on getting to know them, the same way you do during your after-class activities.

Do this 5 times a week, Monday through Friday, and you’ll have at least the beginnings of a social circle before the semester’s over. And just as importantly: you’re going to be used to doing some of the things you’re so afraid of – talking to strangers, asking people for their number, planning activities together, etc.

Now I know what you’re thinking: ok, that’s great, but that doesn’t solve my “want to find a girlfriend problem”. Except… it does. All of the skills you’re going to be practicing when you do this all apply to dating. The credits transfer. The only difference between planning to meet up with your bud to watch the home game and planning a date is the intent. Everything else? Exactly the same.

I promise you: none of this is nearly as scary or weird or uncomfortable as you think; you’re just not used to it and you just have to get familiar with it. There’s nothing embarrassing about being inexperienced at this, because there’s nothing embarrassing about not knowing something. Everyone starts from the same place, and quite frankly, nobody cares when you started, only that you got there.

(And people who give you shit about having not started sooner? Odds are good that they haven’t started at all and they’re slamming you because of how they feel about themselves. The rest are just shitheads and life is too short to care about the opinions of shitheads.)

And, just as an aside: don’t stress yourself out about not “getting” social media or looking like a dork on there. This is, again, just a matter of experience. When you’re making friends and making plans with those friends, you’ll likely need to make an account on at least one site or app in order to facilitate plans. You don’t need to be a WhatsApp expert or an Instagram guru right off the bat; you can lurk for as long as you want, see how other folks use it and learn the ins and outs.

And seriously: don’t worry about looking like a huge dork on there. Everyone looks like an idiot on social media at one point or another and nobody cares. The churn is such that it all tends to vanish like tears in rain, and nobody’s really going to care about newbie mistakes. You’ll be fine. I promise.

You’ve got this, SLS.

Good luck.

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Hi Doc,

I’ll get right to it. I’m 25, male, have never been romantically/physically involved with anybody, and have a crippling fear of rejection. This is all pretty run of the mill, but I’ll explain what the wrinkles are.

I grew up in a country and environment where teenagers didn’t date. It was not a thing that happened and just generally looked down upon. The one time I told a girl I liked her she was quick to let me know that she wasn’t interested, which was enough to keep me in line from that point on. In hindsight this was pretty traumatizing, but I didn’t really put two and two together until very recently. I graduated high school with no dating experience.

I came to America for college and decided to give the whole dating thing a whirl. Freshman year, I went on a couple first dates with girls who weren’t that in to me. This was pretty demoralizing. I never tried dating after that, and ended up spending the rest of my time in college hanging out with a bunch of dudes instead. It was a fun enough time, sure, but that meant me getting another set cap and gown without ever having dated.

That hasn’t changed now that I’m a few years out of college. I am reasonably attractive, am charming enough, and make good money and all that. I’m just deathly afraid of rejection, even when I’m sure that women are flirting with me. I feel like I consciously force myself to “see past” signs that people are attracted to me for fear of messing things up in some way.

For the most part I’ve chosen the constant low-level background unhappiness from being single to the all-at-once emotional bombshell that is being turned down. Obviously, this is unhealthy. I am very American-presenting, so most people don’t expect me to be unfamiliar with American culture. I am afraid that the longer I go without dating, the weirder my lack of experience will seem to potential dates. My knowledge of this should motivate me to put myself out there, but it’s really been having the opposite effect. Part of me irrationally worries that the ship has sailed. In short, how can I drag myself out of this ridiculous feedback loop? Thanks for your help.

Best,

Own-Head Dweller

Readers, I can hear you saying “hang on, didn’t you literally just answer this question? Like, immediately before this one?” Yes… kind of. Let me take a second to give you a little inside-baseball info here: whenever possible, I like to pair letters that have similar themes, issues or deal with complimentary fears or worries – things that play well together. And with this set of letters, we’re seeing two people who’ve had very similar issues and backgrounds, coming together with related-but-distinct problems. And in both cases, while the ultimate solution is very similar, the way they’re resolved is in dealing with the underlying problem rather than the specifics.

OK, so, OHD, I want you to re-read what I said to Solo Leveling Sucks, because this applies as much to you as it does to him. The things you’re worried about intimidate you because they’re unfamiliar, that’s all. The key to breaking through this wall you perceive is very simple: you just go out and do it. You resolve that you’re going to power through the feeling of awkwardness and weirdness, ignore the fear that says “this is going to devastate me” and just try. And as I said before: everyone starts from the same place, the only difference between them and you is when you start. Nobody truly gives a fuck when you started, they only care that you got there.

Now, in your case, part of what you’re wrestling with isn’t really the fear of rejection, it’s the fear of how rejection would make you feel. You’re basically afraid of feeling bad. Which, hey, I get it, feeling bad… well, feels bad. 

(This sort of stunning insight is why they pay me the tall relationship advice dollar.)

But the funny thing is: the fear of what rejection might feel like is almost always worse than the actual fear. You’ve spent so much time building it up in your head, coming up with all these worst-case scenarios and imagining how it’s going to feel that you’ve built it up into this huge monster of a feeling in your head. And to make matters worse, our brains react to what we imagine as though it were real, so you’ve been making yourself feel all those uncomfortable and painful feelings every time. No wonder that you’re so intimidated by it; as far as your brain’s concerned, you’ve been through this hundreds of times already. Why in pluperfect hell would you willingly put yourself through this again?

Well, because there’s no such thing as a guarantee of success. There’s no dating without the risk of rejection. The possibility of rejection, and rejection itself, is the price you pay for meeting people and wanting to see if you want to date them and if they want to date you. There’s no getting around it. If you want to date, you have to get comfortable with the possibility of rejection. That’s just life.

Just as importantly: there’s no way to get comfortable with the possibility of rejection – or with rejection itself – except to be rejected. It’s like boxing or mixed martial arts: you’re going to get punched and so you’re going to have to learn how to take a punch. And unfortunately, there’s no way to learn how to take a punch and not be afraid of being punched, except to get punched. You just have to face it and learn how to deal with it.

“Well, I don’t want to get punched!” I hear you cry. Which is reasonable. But punching is part of boxing. If you want to get into boxing, you’re gonna get punched. If you don’t want to get punched, you don’t get into boxing.

So it is with dating. Rejection is a part of dating. You’re going to get rejected, because everyone does. Nobody goes 5 for 5, no matter who they are. Doesn’t matter what celebrity you think of, what influencer, model, incredibly hot stranger you see on the street – everyone gets rejected at many points in their lives. You learn to accept it, and you learn to avoid it when you can and you learn to roll with it when it happens.

However, here’s the part you don’t realize yet: rejection is almost always far less painful and far less scary than what you’re picturing in your head. The first couple times can be especially bad, sure, but that’s in part because, well, you have nothing to compare it to and most of the time, you’re overly invested, emotionally, in the outcome than it actually deserves. If you’ve built this person into more than just someone you might like to go on a date with, or someone you’d like to get to know better, then that rejection is going to hurt more because you’ve created a situation where that rejection would hurt more. If you decided that the success or failure of your deepest dreams would be determined by the flip of a coin, you’d be hurt if it didn’t come up tails, like you wanted.

That’s part of why it hurt so much when you got rejected the first time. You never experienced it before, and you almost certainly built the idea of dating her into something more than it should be under the circumstances. When she said “no thank you”, it felt like your world was crashing down because you built your world around her saying yes.

Well, the obvious thing to do going forward is to stop building worlds around people, especially people who you aren’t in a relationship with. They haven’t earned that level of importance and investment yet. They may tick all your boxes; you may be able to easily imagine the incredible time you would have with them… but you still barely know them and you certainly haven’t spent enough time or shared enough together to warrant world-building. Doing so prematurely is how you end up with unnecessary and easily avoidable heart-break.

This is why you want to go into these situations with the mentality of “ok, you’re attractive and I think you’re cool… what else do you have going for you and what makes you right for me?” You want to see asking them out on a date as the first step in simply getting to know whether they’re someone you would like to get to know better. Maybe they’re not right for you! Maybe they like to play tennis with live kittens! Maybe they think JD Vance is an insightful and canny politician! You don’t know! Do you want to spend time with a person like that? Would you feel good about investing in them only to find this out later? No? Well, that’s why you don’t invest so much importance to their “yes” until you know they’re worth investing in!

I hate to say it, but you’re going to have to make the conscious decision to go out and risk being rejected. There really is no way around it. But not only is that how you learn that rejection isn’t as bad as you imagine it to be, but you also learn that you don’t need to be afraid of it, you learn how to deal with it and you learn not to make it worse than it actually is.

There’s no learning without doing. There’s no doing without accepting the risk. But outcome isn’t that bad, and as you date, you also realize that rejection just means this person wasn’t right for you, for whatever reason. It’s not always pleasant, but better to find out they’re not right for you now rather than weeks or months or years down the line.  

You’ve made rejection into this big scary thing in your head, OHD, and it’s keeping you from what you want. The only way to really get over this fear is to face it and realize that you’ve blown it out of proportion – both through your imagination and through over-investment in others. Stop building it up in your head, avoid imbuing any one person with more importance than they’ve actually earned, ask some folks out and be ready to face rejection head on.

You’ll realize incredibly quickly that all you’re afraid of is the fear. Overcome that and the rest will start falling into place.

Good luck.