Help, I’m Having Feelings For The First Time!

Estimated reading time: 15 minutes

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I’ve recently found myself in a new situation, one I’m completely unprepared for.

I’m 32, and have been happily unattached since one moderately toxic and all-consuming relationship in my late teens and early twenties. I identify as ace, both asexual and aromantic. My social life is full of friends and family and I really value the ability to retreat to my own home where no one else goes at the end of the day. I have a very large preference for personal space, and very little desire to get close enough to people to touch or smell them. I’m not averse to the occasional hug, but I’m not seeking out physical intimacy. People express interest in me every so often, and I enjoy the attention, but I’ve never wanted to pursue anything past a first date or a night of dancing. Basically, I’ve done my own thing for my whole adult life and consider myself very satisfied with that part of my world.

Then I made a new friend. We started running into each other around town a few months ago, and we’ve met up for lunch a few times and (at time of writing) are going to get dinner together on Friday night. She’s one of the most honestly joyful people I’ve ever met. She radiates genuine happiness and is so easy to talk to. I admire the work she does in our community and respect her outlook on the world and life. We have great conversations, and she actively schedules lunch meetups and responds enthusiastically to my invitations, so I know that at the very least, she likes me as a person and a friend. I think she’s beautiful and I think about her all the time. Whenever we spend time together, even if she’s just stopping by my (public-facing) desk at work, I feel like I’m glowing for the rest of the day. I’ve even had dreams about being intimate with her, and I’ve never had anything like a sex dream before in my life. I am trying very hard to pump the brakes, to not put her on a pedestal or expect anything in return just because my feelings are new and exciting. I’m sure she’d be very kind if I told her my feelings, but the nervousness is not a hurdle I’m sure I want to try to overcome.

On her side of things, she went through a major life upheaval in the last couple of years: getting a divorce, starting her transition, and moving across the country. She’s mentioned dating people since moving here, but I can’t help but think about all the ways I’m probably not what she’s looking for. For example, she’s 51, so almost 20 years older. I told her about a new piercing I got, and she told me she got the same one…. the year I was born. That drove home to me how she has lightyears more experience than me, not just in dating but in wanting to date. I would be starting from scratch if she did want to try a relationship, and from less than that when it comes to sex.

I know the answer to the question of “how do I start?” is “just start”, but I don’t want to put unfair pressure on her just because I’ve never wanted to start with anyone else. I would never want her to feel like an experiment, but I also can’t help but see it that way, at least a little. When I say “I’ve never felt like this before about anyone,” I don’t mean unusually intense feelings, I mean any feelings. This is more than brand new to me.

And then on my side of things, I can’t help but wonder, what if I cool off? This feels so special and unique, what if it changes when I try to act on it? What if she lets me close and I discover I really don’t like sex with another person, not even her? It would be doubly unfair to ask her to let me try something new with her, just to discover that I really don’t want anything more after all. 

So my question for you is: Is it worth it? It’s scary. But… what if?

Thanks,

Terra Nova

Ok I’m going to say this flat out: you are seriously overthinking… well, pretty much all of this, TN. And that’s OK! It’s entirely understandable that you’re deep in your own head over this. This is all brand new and novel to you, so of course you’re getting your brain tangled up in knots.  If this is the first time you’ve experienced any sort of romantic or sexual attraction in… let’s say 20+ years, based on the average age of onset of puberty, then the fact that you’re having these feelings after three decades of being aro/ace is going to be the real life equivalent of a mid-90s comic declaring that EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW ABOUT WOLVERINE WAS WRONG!

Just, y’know. Hopefully with better art than about 75% of those.

(The Barry Windsor-Smith illustrated Weapon X series is incredibly tight though…)

So right from the top: this actually isn’t unusual. A lot of people who’ve been fairly rock solid in their sexual identity ­– whether they’re ace, aro or varying flavors and degrees of queer – have found themselves in the curious and occasionally upsetting position of suddenly having feelings that they never thought they would experience. Sometimes it’s an asexual person like you who may be experiencing sexual attraction for the first time, sometimes it’s realizing you’re attracted to someone who’s not who you are normally into and sometimes it’s moving to a different spot on the gender spectrum.

And honestly, the word “spectrum” is almost a misnomer; in a lot of cases, it’s less of a spectrum and more of a radar chart. Human sexuality, gender and sexual identity are incredibly complex, and don’t always fit in nice, neat categories. Sometimes there’s some slipperiness; one person of a particular gender might flip their switches, they might find that they’re more bi or pansexual than they thought or that their concept of their gender has changed as they’ve grown and matured and become more comfortable and familiar with themselves.

In your case, so far, we have exactly one (1) person in your life who’s hit those particular buttons and now you’re left wondering what to do.

Well, let me ask you: what do you want? Let’s leave all the other questions out of it for a second and focus on you. Assuming that everything else is cool, there’s no risk and everyone would be down if you were to make a move… is this something you’d actually want to pursue? And if so, are you interested in pursuing this out of a more general curiosity, or is it more about your friend specifically?

Take a bit of time to think about it; there isn’t a need to have an answer right away, so you’re in a position where you can explore these feelings. The answer is less important than putting some thought into the matter.

While you’re pondering that, I have a couple of other questions for you to think about. This is less about “what to do” so much as taking a moment to really explore the dimensions, textures and shape of these feelings. This can be helpful in part because the novelty can be overwhelming and end up obscuring other aspects that might give you a clearer idea of what’s going on and why. There aren’t any wrong answers or right answers here; it’s just about getting a better understanding of yourself and your emotional landscape.

So the next question I have whether you’ve really sat and explored these feelings beyond “huh, I’m having unusual feelings about my friend.” Do any of them feel similar or familiar to ways you’ve felt before, or are they entirely new and unlike everything else? Does this feel, for example, similar to that toxic-yet-all-consuming relationship you had in your late teens and early 20s?

If not quite like that, then have you something similar – if less intense – about other friends before? That is: have you had friends who would occupy your mind or that you’d especially look forward to seeing or talking to? Have friends given you similar happy feelings when you’ve been hanging out with them? People do get friend-crushes or platonic-crushes on folks, where they feel particularly strongly or intensely about someone without it being romantic or sexual. Sometimes it’s just a case of “this person’s really cool and I like being around them” or even a little like being a starstruck fan… just with someone you know.

Similarly, what is the order that you started experiencing these feelings? Did you start feeling that warm happy glow from talking to her before or after you had your first sex dream about her?

This is going to sound weirdly pedantic but stick with me for a second, I promise it will make sense. One of the things that a lot of allosexuals have experienced is having a completely random sex dream about someone, often someone utterly unexpected. It could be a teacher, a classmate, a close friend or a friend’s sibling that you would never have thought of in that way normally. Hell, sometimes folks will have sex dreams about people they completely loathe. In many cases, these dreams will leave them scratching their head and saying “well that got weird”… but sometimes the feelings will linger longer than the dream itself.

More than a few people have had crushes that sprung fully formed out of sex dreams, simply because they had that dream and they can’t quite get it out of their head.

Hence, I’m asking you whether it’s possible that your feelings for your friend got more intense after the sex dream? Or would it be more accurate to say that the intense feelings came first? Again: there aren’t any right or wrong answers and this isn’t going to meaningfully change my advice; it’s primarily for your own benefit and understanding.

As you start to get more of a handle on what you’re feeling, let me point this out: a lot of what you’re describing sounds a lot like limerence – what most people would call ‘puppy love’ – or a  first crush. A lot of people’s first experiences with this sort of attraction are described in very similar ways. It’s a little intense and overwhelming in part because of how new it is and how very present it is, and it can be incredibly formative for many… but it also tends to be transitory. A lot of folks may look back with fondness on their first crush, but it’s very rare that those turned into anything more than just a first crush.

So it’s certainly possible that you’re right: these feelings will fade in time, and possibly sooner than you’d think. That doesn’t mean that you can’t or shouldn’t act on them – more on that in a second – but just understanding that statistically speaking this is unlikely to be feelings that will last a lifetime. Recognizing that is going to be an important thing to take onboard when you’re deciding what, if anything, you may want to do about this.

But that takes us to the meat of your letter: what do you do? Well, for one thing, I think you need to stop making unfounded assumptions about your friend and how she feels. Not whether she might or might not return your feelings, but the way you’re making these statements about fairness or the importance of how experienced she is vs. how inexperienced you are. You’re basing these assumptions on facts not in evidence; this is entirely based on what you think is going to be important to her or what she might want. She might – and I need to really stress the word might here – well think it’s hot to take a younger man and show him the ways of the world. Your lack of experience in this case wouldn’t be a burden or “putting pressure” on her, it would be the thing that makes it intriguing and exciting. Sure, it sounds like a porn scenario, but it’s also a fairly common fantasy for women.

Similarly, you’re also assuming that either of you would want a relationship. While intellectually I know that you know that feelings aren’t a mandate, the fact that you’re having crush-like feelings for someone doesn’t immediately translate to “I must pursue something serious with them!” I’ve said before that having a crush doesn’t mean that you need to do something about those feelings; well it’s also true that pursuing something with your crush doesn’t mean that you have to leap to a serious or long-term relationship. Being attracted to someone doesn’t mean that you need to run this down to marriage and commitment; in fact, there are plenty of times when those feelings wouldn’t support one.

In fact, in many cases, something short-term or even just casual would be preferable. Culturally, we put a lot of importance and meaning on long-term relationships and treat them as being inherently superior and more significant than something short term or even just two (or more!) people having fun together for a bit. But the truth is that short term relationships can be as meaningful, as important and impactful and as special as one that goes for years or decades. So if – if! – you and your friend were to decide to get together, you’re not handcuffed together like you’re in The Defiant Ones. This isn’t an all-or-nothing situation; it could just as easily be a quick fling before going back to being just friends or having a one-off and realizing that while it was fun, there’s just not enough there for more than that.

Just as importantly though, you’re assuming a lot about what your friend would be looking for, based on… well, I’m not sure, exactly, seeing as you say she mentioned dating but no more details than that. You’re filling in a whole lotta blanks out of pure supposition rather than fact, and even the facts that you do know suggest that maaaaybe she’s not looking for The One. You mention that she’s just had multiple major life upheavals – divorce, transitioning and moving across the country are all pretty huge changes. I think it’s far more likely that she might not want to add trying to manage a serious relationship on top of all of that. If anything, I’d suspect that she might want something easy and fun with low expectations while she’s still waiting for the dust to settle.

Of course, I could be wrong about that too – which is why it’s important to not decide these things for her. Let her be the one to say definitively what she wants, who she wants and what she’s up for, rather than making these assumptions and disqualifying yourself in advance.

Now to be fair to you: these are things you’ve really haven’t had to think about… well, like damn near ever. So while I know I sound like I’m smacking you upside the head, I hope you understand that I’m just trying to point out the way you’re narrowing your options without realizing it. It all works a lot better to assume that the other person is going to know themselves and what they want or what they’re up for and to let them decide. Instead of assuming that you know what they do or don’t want, you can present the initial offer and then see what they say.

Speaking of which, that brings us to “so… what do you do about this?”, which is why I asked you those questions up top. You talked yourself into something of a spiral, and taking the time to think things through helps dial back the feeling of “I NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS RIGHT NAO!!” along with giving yourself more of a grasp on what you’re feeling and whether you want to do something about it.

Under normal circumstances, I’m a proponent of “don’t confess your feelings, just ask them out on a date; people will understand that ‘I like you’ is part of it”, but this is a little different. Seeing as you are (maybe, possibly) experiencing crush-like feelings and attraction for the first time, I think it’s in bounds for you to bring up the crush if there’s a point where it would be somewhat on topic. It’s not something that’s easy to segue into or smoothly, but it doesn’t need to be smooth… not if the two of you are close enough to talk about those sorts of details anyway.

Another option would be to ask your friend on a date date instead of just grabbing lunch and then, if she says yes, then see how it goes. If it goes well – whether it’s leading to a kiss at the end of the date or you’re planning a second date – then that would be the time to say “So, cards on the table…” and lay out that you’re normally ace/aro but. You don’t need to explain that you had a sex dream about her, just that you’re feeling things for her that you quite literally haven’t felt before and you’re interested in the possibility of exploring it a little further. Don’t bring up your worries that maybe you won’t like partnered sex or that these feelings could fade. She’s an intelligent person; I’m sure she can figure that out for herself. Just mention that if she’s interested, you would like to see where things go with the full understanding that you have no idea where or how it’s going to proceed. Then let her decide what she thinks.

I will say up front: she may need a little time to think it through and that’s fine. That’s not a danger signal, it’s a “huh, I want to think this through so I don’t end up making a choice that either or both of us might regret later”. You two have been talking for a while and she sounds like a fairly compassionate and considerate person – I suspect that she would understand where you’re coming from and take that into consideration. Even if she’s not feeling the same, she’s not going to think you’re weird or out of pocket.

But all that is if you want to explore the possibility of something with her, however gingerly and carefully you may proceed. You may well decide that you don’t want to do anything with these feelings and that’s fine too. Crushes aren’t commandments and arousal isn’t a call to action. If you choose not to roll the dice, then all you need to do is… nothing. Just let it be. Crushes fade over time and they fade faster if you don’t feed them. As I’ve said before, don’t try to push the feelings away, just notice that you’re having them – “ah, there’s my crush on $FRIEND” – and just gently turn your attention to something else instead.

And if you want one unorthodox piece of advice that will help you decide which way you want to go: think of that sex dream and crank one out. Sometimes a little post-nut clarity goes a long way to sorting out momentary blips of “huh, she’s hot” from “Oh no, she’s HOT.”

But seriously, it’s not nearly as complicated or dire as you think, TN, it’s just new to you, that’s all. Whichever way you go, I promise, you’ll be fine.

Good luck.